change of plans again...

... and again.

After December 17th was approved by the supervisor of the county department to be the official day of departure of our baby girl, we were emotionally rocked. There were many tears, tummy aches and sleepless nights. Our big girl became more clingy, as she does when she grieves, and the boys declared that their hearts might break. We pleaded with God to keep us focused on Him as we go through the letting go process, and asked Him to strengthen our weakened hearts as we follow His will for this little girl. It was not what we wanted, but it was His plan.

However, after some time had passed, the judge refused to honor the transfer out of state and would not do so until the trial was complete. The "good bye" would still come, but the timing was no longer concrete. It could be a month, maybe two. So, we waited for the court dates to be set, enjoying our baby girl every moment that we were given. Finally, last Friday, we received the notice in the mail.

March.

I couldn't believe it. March?!? Tiny will not be leaving us until March? At first, I rejoiced. More time with her is always a reason to celebrate... but then, I thought about her. We are the family that she knows - her mom, dad, adoring big sis and 2 crazy brothers. She's attached deeply, and will only become more so as time moves on. Regardless of the depth of attachment, the law says birth siblings need to stay together, and at some point, she would still leave us to join her sister. The longer she's with us, the harder the transition will be, I am sure. Our poor, sweet girl.

And then, I thought about them. The family awaiting her arrival, so eager to have her in their arms and call her their own. How devastating this news would be to them.

Because my husband is much less selfish than I, he suggested we give the "other" family a gift. It would be a gift beyond compare, to be remembered always, if only I was willing and able. It would be the gift of time with the baby girl who was to become theirs; her first Christmas with the family that will be hers forever; the Christmas that they had dreamed of having with her in their home, before the plans had changed.

But I couldn't... for awhile at least. I wanted to hold onto her as tightly as I could for as long as I was able. We had been given more time and I wanted to embrace every single moment. I couldn't imagine saying good bye to her, if only for a week.

But my husband's strong and gentle voice convinced me. "I know how much you love her, Tee, but, if we can stop being selfish for just a moment, can you imagine the incredible gift we'd be giving them? She could have real time to bond with them." He looked at me as I closed my eyes and tears spilled down my cheeks. "And," he continued, "it would give us the chance to remember that we are still a family, even without Tiny."

I don't want to be a family without Tiny, but he was right. We will have to be without her, and this would be an opportunity for us to have time together and remember the special gift that God gave us in one another, as well as the task He has laid before us.

So, I agreed to the plan and, after gaining approval from the department, was able to share it with the new family. They are simply ecstatic. Their pure, uninhibited joy has made me feel, for the first time, excitement for them... which, I believe, is exactly what I need to feel if we're ever going to get through this, come March.