deeper, stronger

Twelve years ago I looked into the face of a handsome man whom I had become quite smitten with and pledged my lifelong love.  Anticipation and excitement illuminated our young faces.  We couldn't wait to begin our lives together as husband and wife.  Our hearts were full of dreams - what joy and fun was to be had!  I didn't believe that I could love him any more than I did on that blessed day, 12 years ago.

But I was wrong.

Now I look at a handsome man, whose face is a bit more weathered and hair, a bit more thin.  I see a man who has stood by my side despite my fears and insecurities; who has forgiven my frustrations, complaints and times of disrespect.  He has lovingly cared for me as I carried our children within my womb and cheered me through their entrances into the world.  I see a man whose arms I have run to countless times - in moments of pain and desperation, as well as moments of exuberant rejoicing.  I see a man who has held our babies throughout the watches of the night, needing comfort due to throbbing ear infections, or soothing from drug withdrawal tremors. I see a strong man who has courageously and fearlessly given his heart, time and time again, to fatherless children, loving and devoting himself to them.  I have seen lives changed by his love.  I see a man whom I have hurt with and cried with throughout the valleys of life.  And a man whom I have stood beside with right hands raised as we pledged our forever love and commitment to our precious little girls in a courtroom.  I see a fiercely protective daddy who would give his life for our children.  He is a man who has literally carried me up to bed when my joints were wrought with arthritis and consumed with pain.  I see a man who is dependable, hard working, devoted, & committed, a man who graciously serves and sacrifices for his family without complaint.  He is my constant companion and closest friend.

He no longer looks into the face of a young bride who spent all day readying herself and says, "I'll love you forever", but instead looks at an often worn, exhausted, unshowered, blue jean clad mama and still he declares his undying love for me.

This love is so much stronger, so much deeper.  If our love has grown so in the first dozen years together, I can only imagine how much greater our love will be a few more dozen years from now.

Found in Him

It is abnormal for me to have an emotional reaction while I capture and edit photos, but this time was different.  I had just released a child that I had loved and cared for during the past 7 months and was able to see him enjoy the love of a father for the first time in his life. What a precious relationship exists between a child and a father.  How beautifully our earthly fathers can exemplify our heavenly Father's love for us.  Though he will not have the love, care and devotion of an earthly father, I pray every day that he will grow to embrace the love that the Father has lavished upon him, that he would be found completely in Him.

 He tenderly fluffs her hair and she giggles.

It's obvious she loves being cared for by him.

He calmly guides and directs her.  She listens and obeys with joy.  "Like this, Daddy?"

He steps aside, but her gaze remains fixed upon him;

the joy of his nearness illuminating her face.

His encouragement and praise brings her great delight;

she cannot contain it.

He invites her to come and be with him.  His embrace gives her security and comfort.  She is content, joyful and peaceful in his arms.

Knowing how loved she is, she can't help but to love back in return.

She knows how to love because she has been shown great love.

The joy and delight in her relationship with him is mutual and infectious.

A beautiful testament for all to witness.

As she keeps her eyes intent upon him,

loving as he loves, 

 it's hard not to notice that they resemble one another.

She trusts him completely because he is trustworthy.

She knows she has nothing to fear.

He helps and protects her.

And cares for her needs.

And never leaves her side.

 Life with him brings such joy.

And she has an insatiable appetite for his presence, his nearness and his love. 

This is a child who is secure in his love,

whose identity and great worth can found in him.

please excuse the tears

If you happen to see me out and about, please don't be surprised if tears surface at unexpected and seemingly irrational moments.

I'm in the process of letting go of a little boy I love.

I went in to retrieve the little boy from his bed the other morning and called out his name.  He shot up and stated with a big grin, "I'm right here!  Did you miss me?"  I held him tight for a full 10 minutes.  It didn't matter that we had somewhere to go.

I dropped him off at a visit with his mom and as we were driving there, I talked to him about all the fun he was going to have.

"Ms. Terra?"

"Yes, sweetie?"

"I gonna miss you."

I hid my tears behind my sunglasses.  Oh goodness, buddy, I'm gonna miss you too.  More than you'll ever know.

This is the reason people say, "I don't know how you do it!"  Because you love and, likely, have to let go.  This little boy becomes a part of the family, the routines, the joy, the laughter, the chaos.  We all become accustomed to the imperfect and yet precious family unit, with him fully included.  And then, he is gone.

We trust that God is faithful to us at all times.  We know that He has allowed us to join Him in loving His children and we are grateful for this ministry.  Even through these times we know He is worthy of every bit of pain or sacrifice we endure for His purposes.  And we praise Him for this opportunity to love this little boy, to love his family.

And still, knowing and believing all that, raw emotions may surface at unexpected and seemingly irrational moments.  So please excuse the tears.

Letting go is so very hard to do.

reflections

We're at the great divide, transitioning our little man home.  We have a mere week or two left.  Tears fall easily and frustrations occur often; emotions are running on overload.

There is a strong desire to never let him go, and yet the opposing urge for him to be home with his mom and siblings.  We have felt great aggravation when choices are made that are not the very best for him, yet we know that he is not ours and we really have no say about his future.  We battle through our own emotions as we help him struggle with the transitions back and forth between our home and his mom's - two very different worlds.  We're trying to give him stability and security when, in reality, there is no such thing in his young life right now.  He's just too young to understand.

There is the yearning for this never to end for our sake ... and the urge for it to end soon, for his; such a range of challenging, opposing, and conflicting emotions.

It is during this time of transition that I have reflected much upon our time with our sweet foster son.  His "placement" with us seemed to be a bit more bumpy than others, starting with the unexpected transition to a long term placement, rather than the anticipated short term.  We were suddenly thrust into a county system that we had not worked with before, and it proved to be quite demanding and aggravating on several occasions.    I found myself fighting the system on behalf of our boy more than I've ever had to fight before.  Our own 2 toddlers seemed to not adjust well to our new addition, who also wanted much of our lap time and attention.  The girls demonstrated their feelings quite extravagantly on many occasions.  There were many days I was emotionally worn and weary.

In the midst of those overwhelming moments and as we struggle through letting him go, doubts can start to invade my mind, "Was any of this worth it?"

Well, of course it has been.

There is a little boy who has been loved ever so deeply by so many.  And most notably, he was able to experience the incredibly strong, protective, devoted love of a father for the first time.

Our big kids have been able to practice selfless love - not perfectly,  but repeatedly.

And even these 3 have grown in their care and concern and love for one another.  Yes, there are still those moments, but also moments of love and acceptance and sharing.  Carys has especially taken to him as her buddy, and I'm not quite sure how she'll respond to his imminent departure.

Then there are the opportunities like this, that I happened to walk in on, that mean everything.
Colson: "And that's how much Jesus loves you, J.  One day when you're older, you can choose to commit your life to Him and follow Him.  He will always be with you!"

And precious moments when he is eager and excited to pray.

And beyond those beautiful moments that sprout up in the midst of dry, hard and weary times, there was a beautiful reminder recently that fostering little ones affects more than the kiddos within our own home.

At a recent meeting with all those involved in the case, J's mom burst into tears.  "Thank you.  Thank you so much for teaching my kids about God, because they bring it home with them."  She then explained a situation during a visit when the kids declared, "Mom, we gotta pray!"  They grasped tightly to her hands and she prayed with her children.

It's not easy.  But we are so thankful that God has given us this work to do.  J is worth it.  J's family is worth it.  God is worthy of all.

For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.  Ephesians 2:10

our first family vacay

Twelve years ago, Jim and I had a glorious, wonderful honeymoon.  We loved it.  So much so that we started planning our 1 year anniversary trip together but... God had other plans - baby on the way!  In fact, in the first 3 years of marriage we had 3 of those precious babies and lived in 3 states, finally settling in Wisconsin.  After which, all "vacations" were to go home and see our family, whom we love dearly.  We didn't mind, as we've never been the type that felt the need to get away on vacations.  We figured that our family relationships were among the most important things in all the world to us, so it was well worth spending all our vacation time with them.

But last year, something happened.  Jim and the boys took a "man trip" to Colorado with Jim's best bud and his son.  It was awesome.  He realized that there was so much of the country that our kids have not ever seen, but we'd love for them to experience.  As they age, our summers with them become fewer. We want to plan out the remaining summers we have left with them in our home to create experiences and memories that will forever make up their childhood.  That includes our family, of course, but also the great outdoors!

Jim also remembered that years ago, the young lady he married LOVED the outdoors something fierce, though such passion has been pacified by day hikes, simple camping trips, bike rides and days at Lake Michigan.  He thought about how very much I would love the beauty he was experiencing and wanted me there, enjoying all God's great creation by his side.

So, we talked and planned and prepared.  Growing up, both of our most favorite vacations were road trips to Yellowstone with the family.  So we did it with our own.  Away we go!!

 Travel was pretty good, after a seating arrangement adjustment.  The little girls just can't sit that close to one another (or the big kids for that matter!) without driving each other insane.  Once we shifted the boys up to the front with Kylee and popped the little girls in the back, traveling was much more peaceful!

 Day #1:  Brookfield, WI to Chamberlain, SD

camped at American Creek Campground on the shores of the Missouri river

Day #2: Chamberlain, SD to Custer National Park, SD

stopped at 1880 Town, Badlands, Wall Drug, Mt. Rushmore

The kids were all troopers camping in the rain!!  We were grateful when the rain cleared up for just a bit, giving us enough time to build a fire and roast some marshmallows!  :)

Day 3: Custer National Park, SD to Cody, Wyoming

We enjoyed an morning swim in the lake and an evening rodeo when we arrived in Cody.

This big guy met us as we departed our campground  He was the first of many, many buffalo we would see!

gorgeous drive through Wyoming!

we've arrived!

"Catch a calf" for the kids... ribbons were tied to 2 calves tails and the kids were to chase them and get the ribbon.

Somehow, our Carys got one of those ribbons and won a prize!  The big kids were ecstatic for her!

Our proud 3 year old!  She talked about "running and winning" the entire trip!

Day 4:  Cody, WY to Jackson, WY

Enjoyed beautiful, scenic drive through Buffalo Bill State Park, YELLOWSTONE and the Grand Tetons National Park

A stop at Yellowstone's Lewis Lake for a picnic lunch

first view of the Tetons!

Snake river, the Tetons and the Roots

Arriving at our amazing cabin!

We were so excited that Grammy and Poppy were willing to meet up with us and spend precious time together!!  What fun we had!!

evening hike

I could not get enough of the breathtaking mountainous views!!

Day 5: Visit to String Lake, Teton National Park

The view we woke up to every morning!!  Good morning, God!!

short, beautiful drive to the lake

lunch break!

the big kids loved climbing on and jumping off these rocks!

finished the day with root beer floats by the fire

Day 6: Day trip to Yellowstone

waiting for Old Faithful to erupt

there she blows!

trying to get close to the buffalo,  from the van window

Gibbon Falls

kiddos sporting their new sweatshirts from Grammy and Poppy and new "stuffies" from Mom and Dad

Yellowstone River in the Grand Canyon of Yellowstone

Lower falls

looking down the waterfall

This was as close as I got to a buffalo, not within the confines of the van.  It was going well, until a park ranger yelled at Grammy and I for getting too close and we had to leave.

Day 7: Jackson Hole, WY

White water rafting, Teton Village Gondola 

We had a blast white water rafting with the big kids!  Grammy and Poppy were so gracious to watch our little girls so we could enjoy this experience.  We all enjoyed cool swims in the calm parts of the river between the rapids and loved seeing bald eagles and osprey fly overhead!

In the evening we went to the Teton Village and enjoyed a gondola ride up the mountain.  We had spectacular views,  delicious food and fabulous company!

the girls loved the ride!

sliders and fried portabello mushrooms in sweet chili sauce

We met a cowboy named Matt with his horse, Walker.  All the kids got to brush Walker and Kaden even got a little bareback action. 

Day 8: Jackson Hole, WY and Teton Village

Golf for Jim and his dad, horse riding for the kids

Kylee on Clementine, Kaden on Warrior, Colson on Dolly

back at the cabin - Grammy and Kylee playing a game

a mama and her baby - what a fun surprise!

Day 9: Jackson, WY to Wall, SD
Some time in Yellowstone, then a 9 hour drive

                                        

Day 10: Wall, SD to Brookfield, WI
We drove like crazy! We didn't plan to make it home today, but we had some friends in need at home, so we booked it!!  When the kids got a little squirrley, we stopped for a final swim in Lake Okabena in Minnesota.

The ride home - not quite as fun! :)  

Lake Okabena in Worthington, MN