reflections

We're at the great divide, transitioning our little man home.  We have a mere week or two left.  Tears fall easily and frustrations occur often; emotions are running on overload.

There is a strong desire to never let him go, and yet the opposing urge for him to be home with his mom and siblings.  We have felt great aggravation when choices are made that are not the very best for him, yet we know that he is not ours and we really have no say about his future.  We battle through our own emotions as we help him struggle with the transitions back and forth between our home and his mom's - two very different worlds.  We're trying to give him stability and security when, in reality, there is no such thing in his young life right now.  He's just too young to understand.

There is the yearning for this never to end for our sake ... and the urge for it to end soon, for his; such a range of challenging, opposing, and conflicting emotions.

It is during this time of transition that I have reflected much upon our time with our sweet foster son.  His "placement" with us seemed to be a bit more bumpy than others, starting with the unexpected transition to a long term placement, rather than the anticipated short term.  We were suddenly thrust into a county system that we had not worked with before, and it proved to be quite demanding and aggravating on several occasions.    I found myself fighting the system on behalf of our boy more than I've ever had to fight before.  Our own 2 toddlers seemed to not adjust well to our new addition, who also wanted much of our lap time and attention.  The girls demonstrated their feelings quite extravagantly on many occasions.  There were many days I was emotionally worn and weary.

In the midst of those overwhelming moments and as we struggle through letting him go, doubts can start to invade my mind, "Was any of this worth it?"

Well, of course it has been.

There is a little boy who has been loved ever so deeply by so many.  And most notably, he was able to experience the incredibly strong, protective, devoted love of a father for the first time.

Our big kids have been able to practice selfless love - not perfectly,  but repeatedly.

And even these 3 have grown in their care and concern and love for one another.  Yes, there are still those moments, but also moments of love and acceptance and sharing.  Carys has especially taken to him as her buddy, and I'm not quite sure how she'll respond to his imminent departure.

Then there are the opportunities like this, that I happened to walk in on, that mean everything.
Colson: "And that's how much Jesus loves you, J.  One day when you're older, you can choose to commit your life to Him and follow Him.  He will always be with you!"

And precious moments when he is eager and excited to pray.

And beyond those beautiful moments that sprout up in the midst of dry, hard and weary times, there was a beautiful reminder recently that fostering little ones affects more than the kiddos within our own home.

At a recent meeting with all those involved in the case, J's mom burst into tears.  "Thank you.  Thank you so much for teaching my kids about God, because they bring it home with them."  She then explained a situation during a visit when the kids declared, "Mom, we gotta pray!"  They grasped tightly to her hands and she prayed with her children.

It's not easy.  But we are so thankful that God has given us this work to do.  J is worth it.  J's family is worth it.  God is worthy of all.

For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.  Ephesians 2:10