I'm so proud of you, little warrior

This is a big day!! For 3 years, 2 months and 7 days my nephew, Connor, has battled leukemia. And we praise the Lord that he has won!! Hospitalizations, surgeries, several trips to the ER, spinal taps, blood draws, chemotherapy, baldness, swelling, infections, isolation, more doctor's visits than most people have in a life time, questions from a child about his own mortality, fear and grief- what a long journey it has been!!!


Yet, I still remember when my family flew out to Oregon 2 weeks after his diagnosis and I made the drive with my sister and her son to the children's hospital. Blessed be the Name was playing and my then 4 year old nephew was belting it out, word for word.

"Blessed be the Name,
On the road marked with suffering,
When there's pain in the offering,
Blessed be your Name.

He gives and takes away.
He gives and takes away.
My heart will choose to say,
Lord blessed be Your Name!"

As we left that same appointment, he saw a severely debilitated girl entering the hospital as we were leaving. "Mommy, what's wrong with her?" he asked with great concern. My sister told him how she was a very sick girl, also, in a different way. "That's why I should be thankful that I'm only a little sick!" Was his reply. Wow - I never considered leukemic cancer a "little sick." I remember that following Easter being especially special for Connor, at just 4 years old. After enduring several "pokies" himself, he had a greater understanding for what Christ accomplished on the cross. "When I get to heaven I have to thank Jesus for taking those BIG pokies for me!"

Connor is an extraordinary boy. I am so grateful I get to be his Auntee. I am so very proud of him for fighting the fight so bravely, and for doing so while praising God and caring about and loving others. He is so very thoughtful and I know that God has amazing things in store for this child!!

Today, my sister is driving Connor up the familiar road an hour away to Doernbecher's Children's hospital once again. Today, it is the last time he will have chemotherapy injected into his chest port! That feels so good to write. He will continue his daily medications at home until Sunday, and then they will get to throw them all away!!! Though he will still be monitored closely over the next several years, and have surgery once again to remove his port, the day has finally come when my nephew has completed his fight against cancer. Praise the Lord!

A day in the life...

... of Connor Thomas Ratzlaff

There are days when I almost forget. I see a strong, tall, happy and athletic boy who brings laughter to everyone around him. He loves to play ball and wrestle and it looks like nothing could hold him down. Strangers would never guess. But when swimming, you can see a small circular bump on his chest - a surgically placed port where his blood is frequently drawn and chemo is run in... and in his home you might notice the tin full of medications that he takes every day... reminders that my 6 year old nephew has cancer.

People frequently ask me how Connor is doing, and I'm thankful that I can answer, "He couldn't be doing better! He's responding to his chemotherapy as well as can be." On top of that, I usually add that Connor is a very brave boy who handles his leukemia with great strength of character. I am so grateful that God has answered our prayers for precious Connor and has spared his life!!

On our recent trip to Oregon, Jim, Kylee and I got to join Connor on one if his appointments up at Doernbechers Children's Hospital. And for an auntee who takes the "Praise God, he's doing so well!" attitude, it was eye opening. Once again, I saw my nephew as a cancer patient, and it broke my heart. We drove the hour drive up to Portland, and Connor was already tired from the several hours of fasting for his procedure and rested most of the way. In the waiting room, we were met by Chris, Connor's chemo pal through Children's Cancer Association. He has been meeting with Connor for the last year and a half for each of his chemotherapy appointments. He provides him with all sorts of crafts and activities to make this scary time a little less scary.

a colored sand and glue project

After we were brought into the back room where Connor was weighed, measured and his stomach pains discussed, we were seated in another room where a nurse came to access his port. Like most kids with cancer, Connor is particular about the process and explained to the nurse how he'd like it done... so that he knew what to expect. As the nurse followed his directions, my sister sat next to her son and plugged his nose to help diminish the awful taste that filled his mouth. He got nauseas and fought back dry heaves and tears filled my eyes. This is all part of the "new normal" that Connor and his family live every day. When the nurse finished, I jumped up next to Connor and, to my surprise, he let me hold his hand. I joined in with my sister in encouraging him for the great job he did. He is amazing. The doctor arrived and discussed Connor's medication doses and side effects and blood levels, which my sister is now an expert at reading and understanding! I am impressed.

Next, I was able to accompany Connor and my sis to the room where he is sedated and they infuse chemotherapy into his spinal chord. Medical professionals filled the room, bringing with them meds and poles and pumps and supplies. The anesthesiologist talked first with Connor about what is going to happen and Connor questioned him about the "yucky" medicine that he puts in his port, that puts him to sleep. My sister sat behind her son, and held him in her arms. It kills me that she has to do this so often. Connor draped one arm around hers, and the other clung to his "lovies", a worn stuffed beaver and a blanket. Brandee reminded him of the chocolate milk shake and pokie prize he'll receive once this is over. Connor smiled and before long, his eyelids were heavy and his head fell back against my sis. Like a pro, she gently eased his head down to the table, kissed her sleeping son and told him how much she loved him, reassuring him that she'll be there as soon as he wakes up. She and I then left the room, leaving her little boy to the doctors and nurses, and grabbed each other in a hug, crying. "That is the hardest part," she told me.

As soon as Connor's procedure is completed, the nurse alerted Brandee and we were all allowed back into his room. He was groggy, but awake enough to notice they did not remove all the tape like they were supposed to. He hates getting the tape ripped off while awake!

Kylee hated seeing Connor like this. She jumped onto the stretcher, massaged his feet then put his shoes on.


Logan and Kylee sat and talked with Connor as he continued to wake up more every moment.

Connor may not be fully alert, but he was hungry! I ran back to the other room to get the lunch he had packed that morning. I passed by a room where a little boy was screaming and yelling, "Don't do that! It hurts! I don't want to get that again!" and his momma is trying to console him, telling him that it will only help to make him better. I remain amazed at the strength it takes for a parent to help their child battle cancer.

Before long, Connor was cleared to go and was assisted, with wobbly legs, to a wheelchair. He munched on his snacks as he rode to the car, and then slept all the way home. He was exhausted from his long day.

Brandee with Connor in front of their second home


Connor was still exhausted at home, so his Daddy carried him in and he spent the evening resting on couch.

It was hard for me to see Connor at his appointment, and to be reminded of how sick he truly is. Although he is doing so very well, he still is fighting the battle and it is very much a part of his family's life. They have shown incredible strength and courage and trust in their Savior as they have traveled down this road and I am so grateful for their example of strong faith.

Bald is Beautiful!!

Bald became a beautiful thing to our family 2 years ago when our precious nephew/cousin started his chemotherapy and lost his hair. Since that time, Kylee has been particularly drawn to baldness for that very reason. In the above photo, she drew a princess on her castle with Jesus and an angel above (marked by the "J" and the "A") and her Mom and Dad below. When Ky first showed me the picture she stated, "And my pretty princess has no hair, Mommy, because she has cancer."

Here, Kylee told me she drew 2 angels. One angel with hair and without cancer, and the other angel with cancer and without hair.

Remembering February 7, 2006

This day marks the anniversary of one of the most tragic days (and weeks) in Berglund family history. Two years ago today, my little nephew Connor, then 4, was diagnosed with leukemia and was immediately admitted to Children's Hospital in Portland, Oregon where he began treatment. On that day, it seemed like all time stood still as the family anxiously awaited the news of the type of leukemia he had (which would ultimately determine his prognosis) and Connor started the fight for his life against cancer. Suddenly, the small things in life didn't matter as much as they did just moments before the phone call came with the terrifying news... the phone call that literally made me collapse to my knees and sob uncontrollably as thoughts flooded my mind of the worst case scenario - the possibility of losing this precious boy, my dear sister's firstborn son. One of the most vivid memories that I have of this time (though my family wasn't able to get back to OR until 2 weeks after his diagnosis) is hearing the story of Connor asleep in his hospital bed, with his devoted parents at his bedside. My sister, who is the eldest and was used to being in control of the bunch, realized that no matter what precautions she had taken to protect and care for Connor, this was something that couldn't be prevented. With one arm around her resting son and the other reaching up towards heaven above, she sang, "I surrender all, I surrender all. All to Jesus I surrender, I surrender all." There was nothing more that they could do but place their son in the loving hands of their Father and trust Him completely.

Today, 2 years into his 3 1/2 year treatment, Connor is 6 years old and is in kindergarten, as well as playing Upwards basketball with his dad as his coach. We praise God for the life that He has blessed him with! Looking at the sweet, bright, tenderhearted boy you wouldn't guess that he's a cancer patient. However, he continues to have daily meds, frequent check-ups, blood draws and spinal taps, as well as side effects from the meds he's on. Yet, he always has an upbeat, optimistic attitude and his story has touched and encouraged so many!!

So, what have I learned from this heartbreaking situation my sisters' family has endured? There is so much! First of all, I remember, "These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." John 16:33. God does not promise us a life without pain or suffering, in fact, He says to expect it in this life. After this pain filled life, if we trust in Him, we will live a suffer-free life with Him for all eternity. He also says that, "We boast in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us." Romans 5:3-5. So, I expect to endure suffering in my time here on earth, and I know that God will use suffering in believers to grow us in our faith and to remind us of our hope in Him, a hope that will never disappoint! Brandee and Travis (my sister and her husband) have been incredible examples of trusting in God and using their struggle to grow their family, their faith and to reach out to others who are also suffering. Such an encouragement!!

And no matter what we go through, we can always remember this:

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
The Lord is my portion, says my soul,
therefore I will hope in him." Lamentations 3:21-24.

"I am with you always, to the end of time." Matthew 28:20.

God certainly does not abandon us when we are hurting! He is with us always, He loves us without end and He graciously provides new mercies every morning to get us through anything we may endure. What an awesome God we serve.

I could continue for quite awhile on what I've learned through my nephew's leukemia, but I will wrap this up with this. I will never again look at my children the same. I have realized how fragile life is - it is an undeserved blessing that I must celebrate while given the chance. Therefore, no matter how exhausting my days or how frequent the tantrums or how messy the house I try to always remember to be grateful that I have been given life with them!!

To read more about Connor's journey through leukemia or to leave a note of encouragement in his guestbook, visit his website at caringbridge.org/visit/connorratzlaff . It is truly a wonderful testimony of God's greatness and faithfulness as you read through the journal entries!

Thankful for the Thorns

As I was driving into the Children's hospital today to visit friends whose baby just had open heart surgery, my heart was aching for them. I was once again challenged to think about suffering in life - everyone endures it to one degree or another, some question it, some fight it, and some accept it and endure their trials trusting in God's faithfulness. I am always encouraged by those who endure suffering well, never taking their eyes off God and His goodness and love and perfect will for their lives. I believe wholeheartedly that God will always use the suffering in our lives for good. I have witnessed many family members and friends walk through some of the darkest valleys in this life, all the while looking to God for comfort and strength. Whether it be to encourage and comfort others, to be a testimony of God's great work, to grow in our own relationship with Christ or to increase our faith and dependence on Him, I trust there is always a purpose in our suffering and trials. I've feel privileged to have seen it first hand many times.

My sister Sheila with her son, Nathan, after suffering a devastating loss of her first baby Daniel halfway through her pregnancy

My nephew Connor with his dad and sister graduating from preschool. He's 1 1/2 years into his chemotherapy treatment for leukemia

As I've thought about suffering I've also looked back in my own life and examined many of the difficult times that God has brought me through. I am usually timid about sharing such experiences, knowing that others have gone through so much more than I have. However, someone recently encouraged me to not be afraid to share my own experiences because no matter how big or small, they are a testament of who God is and how He works in the lives of those who love and trust in Him. I also realized that I have had the blessing of seeing the "why" to my times of suffering answered on this side of heaven.

When I was 16 I had been dancing and touring with a professional ballet company for years. I was young, healthy and strong and loved what I was doing. Just as we began training for another Nutcracker season and tour, I started having back pain and swollen joints. After much testing it was determined that I had an autoimmune arthritic disease that I would most likely battle throughout my life. Suddenly, without preparation, dancing was cut out of my life. Within months I was crawling on my hands and knees first thing in the morning because my feet were so swollen and painful. My knee needed to be drained several times, along with a painful cortisone injections and a whole lot of time on crutches. Eventually I had knee surgery and was started on a chemo agent to kill off the inflamed cells in my body. I was sickly and weak and for the first time in my life I questioned God's existence and perfect will for me. I remember crying out to Him, "Are you there? Do you even care?" I know for a fact I felt His presence in that moment of desperation and nearly heard a voice saying, "I am here and I love you." That reassurance was all I needed to choose to trust Him throughout my disease process. I endured a total of 4 years of arthritic peaks and valleys, and then went into a remission and have been off of all medications for 7 years now. Because of my arthritis, I had to make some choices about what I was going to do with my life. Dancing professionally for several years to make money for college was no longer an option and I chose, instead, to go to nursing school, which had always been a passion of mine. I know full well why God removed my "dreams" of dancing professionally and gave me instead a career that will forever be an asset in my life.

Another way that God revealed His perfect will in my life through my arthritic condition was how He changed the way I valued myself. While dancing, I began to put much worth on external appearance - my shape, size and weight - and because of it suffered through 2 years of eating disorders. When I was forced to give up dancing and the several hours a week of intense exercise, I quickly "flourished" in my physique. In my vulnerable state, God was able to show me that I was precious in His sight and that my value was wrapped up in Him, not on my own appearance or achievements. It was a lesson that I will never forget and one that He allowed me to share with many others during my college years who had also tried placing their worth in their own appearance and hard work.

Another growing time in my life occurred when Jim and I had been married one and a half years and Kylee was just 5 months old. Jim's company was going through changes and he was laid off of his job. We were quick to move up to Oregon, believing that it was not only a wonderful place to raise a family, but wanting to be near my family as well. As months passed by, Jim had several freelance opportunities that he worked on, followed by some permanent job opportunities, that we didn't feel led to take. It was a challenging time of trusting my dear husband's wisdom even if things didn't make sense financially, and also waiting for God's guidance and provision, having no idea what that would look like in our lives. We grew in our faith and Jim, to this day, says that my trust in him during that arduous time spoke volumes to him about the way I loved and respected him. Our relationship flourished despite the circumstances. Eventually, the opportunity to move to Wisconsin came about, and though it didn't make much sense at the time, God gave both Jim and I a sense of peace regarding His involvement in this move. We miss friends and family every day, but God has been faithful and has been so very good to us here in Wisconsin!!!

Good friends here in Wisconsin



And lastly, another time of suffering in my life was during the pregnancy with my twin boys. We thought all was well until my visit to a specialist. I remember sitting in the waiting room and saying to Jim, "We are so blessed! Many people have to come to this specialist because there are problems with their pregnancies or babies, but we're here because we have 2 of them!" Well, I left the appointment crying after hearing in a counseling session that my boys likely had an abnormal blood flow and the chance of ever holding them both alive was slim. The rest of the pregnancy was rocky - many appointments, ultrasounds, an admission for premature contractions, stress testing and always hearing about the risk of premature delivery and the complications involved. On top of that, we moved across the country and away from all forms of help and support. I remember one night in Milwaukee after hearing bad news on Kaden's growth, Jim and I sat holding each other and sobbing. If he didn't start increasing in weight, the doctor had said, they would have to take him early to save his life, and put both boys at risk of extreme prematurity. There was nothing we could do but trust God and His perfect plan for our little boys. Despite all the threats and risks, we brought our precious little boys into the world at 36 weeks and though it took them just a little time to get all their systems in order, both our boys were healthy babies. Now they are running, jumping and talking toddlers that are as healthy and strong as can be. They are also constant reminders to me of God's great love and faithfulness in my life.

My 4 lb baby boy Kaden


My 6 lb Colson baby


We brought the boys home at just 10 days old!!


Through these personal circumstances and situations I've had the awesome opportunity to grow closer to God and have learned to trust Him more. I have also seen His work and faithfulness displayed in my life through the pain and times of struggle. It is because of this that I can say I have been thankful for the thorns, and not just the roses, that God has allowed in my life.

Kylee holding cousin, Hailey, who came after my sister miscarried a baby


2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

A quote from Elizabeth Prentiss
"He has not left us to the bitterness of a grief that spurns
and refuses to be comforted... but my comfort is in my
perfect confidence in the goodness and love of my Father,
my certainty that He has a reason in thus afflicting us
that I would admire and adore if I knew what it was."

I hope that throughout the rest of my days I will be able to trust in God regardless of the situation! I pray that I will depend upon his power, crawl in his arms for comfort and lean upon him for strength as I endure whatever He may set before me. Thank you for the many of you who have been such incredible examples of trusting the Lord despite devastating situations. And thanks be to God who loves us deeply, has a future and hope for our lives, and who has overcome this world full of trouble!!

Yet will I praise you

I was talking with my sister, Brandee, yesterday and she was expressing the weariness she felt in her life. Her 5 year old son is battling luekemia and just broke his arm last week. Having to watch him suffer has emotionally drained her. We talked about the heaviness of all the pain and suffering in the world and in the lives of our friends and family. We long so much for our heavenly home -to be surrounded by God's glory and presence, to be surrounded by other believers who know and love God, and to leave this broken world of pain behind us. What a wonderful hope to have to cling to!! Sometimes it's easy to be tempted by this world in our attitudes and thoughts. But how important it is to cling to what we know is true and continue to praise Him. As I was reading the Psalms this morning I smiled as I read this verse that demonstrates the psalmist (anonymous, Ezra is suggested) battling the same feelings that my sister and I were discussing just yesterday - weariness of the soul, battling the temtpations of this world and clinging to God and his word, His hope, His promises instead.

Psalm 119:28-32

My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word.
Keep me from deceitful ways;
be gracious to me through your law.
I have chosen the way of truth;
I have set my heart on your laws.
I hold fast to your statutes, O Lord;
do not let me be put to shame.
I run in the paths of your commands,
for you have set my heart free.


Thank you, God, for your Word.