Thankful for the Thorns

As I was driving into the Children's hospital today to visit friends whose baby just had open heart surgery, my heart was aching for them. I was once again challenged to think about suffering in life - everyone endures it to one degree or another, some question it, some fight it, and some accept it and endure their trials trusting in God's faithfulness. I am always encouraged by those who endure suffering well, never taking their eyes off God and His goodness and love and perfect will for their lives. I believe wholeheartedly that God will always use the suffering in our lives for good. I have witnessed many family members and friends walk through some of the darkest valleys in this life, all the while looking to God for comfort and strength. Whether it be to encourage and comfort others, to be a testimony of God's great work, to grow in our own relationship with Christ or to increase our faith and dependence on Him, I trust there is always a purpose in our suffering and trials. I've feel privileged to have seen it first hand many times.

My sister Sheila with her son, Nathan, after suffering a devastating loss of her first baby Daniel halfway through her pregnancy

My nephew Connor with his dad and sister graduating from preschool. He's 1 1/2 years into his chemotherapy treatment for leukemia

As I've thought about suffering I've also looked back in my own life and examined many of the difficult times that God has brought me through. I am usually timid about sharing such experiences, knowing that others have gone through so much more than I have. However, someone recently encouraged me to not be afraid to share my own experiences because no matter how big or small, they are a testament of who God is and how He works in the lives of those who love and trust in Him. I also realized that I have had the blessing of seeing the "why" to my times of suffering answered on this side of heaven.

When I was 16 I had been dancing and touring with a professional ballet company for years. I was young, healthy and strong and loved what I was doing. Just as we began training for another Nutcracker season and tour, I started having back pain and swollen joints. After much testing it was determined that I had an autoimmune arthritic disease that I would most likely battle throughout my life. Suddenly, without preparation, dancing was cut out of my life. Within months I was crawling on my hands and knees first thing in the morning because my feet were so swollen and painful. My knee needed to be drained several times, along with a painful cortisone injections and a whole lot of time on crutches. Eventually I had knee surgery and was started on a chemo agent to kill off the inflamed cells in my body. I was sickly and weak and for the first time in my life I questioned God's existence and perfect will for me. I remember crying out to Him, "Are you there? Do you even care?" I know for a fact I felt His presence in that moment of desperation and nearly heard a voice saying, "I am here and I love you." That reassurance was all I needed to choose to trust Him throughout my disease process. I endured a total of 4 years of arthritic peaks and valleys, and then went into a remission and have been off of all medications for 7 years now. Because of my arthritis, I had to make some choices about what I was going to do with my life. Dancing professionally for several years to make money for college was no longer an option and I chose, instead, to go to nursing school, which had always been a passion of mine. I know full well why God removed my "dreams" of dancing professionally and gave me instead a career that will forever be an asset in my life.

Another way that God revealed His perfect will in my life through my arthritic condition was how He changed the way I valued myself. While dancing, I began to put much worth on external appearance - my shape, size and weight - and because of it suffered through 2 years of eating disorders. When I was forced to give up dancing and the several hours a week of intense exercise, I quickly "flourished" in my physique. In my vulnerable state, God was able to show me that I was precious in His sight and that my value was wrapped up in Him, not on my own appearance or achievements. It was a lesson that I will never forget and one that He allowed me to share with many others during my college years who had also tried placing their worth in their own appearance and hard work.

Another growing time in my life occurred when Jim and I had been married one and a half years and Kylee was just 5 months old. Jim's company was going through changes and he was laid off of his job. We were quick to move up to Oregon, believing that it was not only a wonderful place to raise a family, but wanting to be near my family as well. As months passed by, Jim had several freelance opportunities that he worked on, followed by some permanent job opportunities, that we didn't feel led to take. It was a challenging time of trusting my dear husband's wisdom even if things didn't make sense financially, and also waiting for God's guidance and provision, having no idea what that would look like in our lives. We grew in our faith and Jim, to this day, says that my trust in him during that arduous time spoke volumes to him about the way I loved and respected him. Our relationship flourished despite the circumstances. Eventually, the opportunity to move to Wisconsin came about, and though it didn't make much sense at the time, God gave both Jim and I a sense of peace regarding His involvement in this move. We miss friends and family every day, but God has been faithful and has been so very good to us here in Wisconsin!!!

Good friends here in Wisconsin



And lastly, another time of suffering in my life was during the pregnancy with my twin boys. We thought all was well until my visit to a specialist. I remember sitting in the waiting room and saying to Jim, "We are so blessed! Many people have to come to this specialist because there are problems with their pregnancies or babies, but we're here because we have 2 of them!" Well, I left the appointment crying after hearing in a counseling session that my boys likely had an abnormal blood flow and the chance of ever holding them both alive was slim. The rest of the pregnancy was rocky - many appointments, ultrasounds, an admission for premature contractions, stress testing and always hearing about the risk of premature delivery and the complications involved. On top of that, we moved across the country and away from all forms of help and support. I remember one night in Milwaukee after hearing bad news on Kaden's growth, Jim and I sat holding each other and sobbing. If he didn't start increasing in weight, the doctor had said, they would have to take him early to save his life, and put both boys at risk of extreme prematurity. There was nothing we could do but trust God and His perfect plan for our little boys. Despite all the threats and risks, we brought our precious little boys into the world at 36 weeks and though it took them just a little time to get all their systems in order, both our boys were healthy babies. Now they are running, jumping and talking toddlers that are as healthy and strong as can be. They are also constant reminders to me of God's great love and faithfulness in my life.

My 4 lb baby boy Kaden


My 6 lb Colson baby


We brought the boys home at just 10 days old!!


Through these personal circumstances and situations I've had the awesome opportunity to grow closer to God and have learned to trust Him more. I have also seen His work and faithfulness displayed in my life through the pain and times of struggle. It is because of this that I can say I have been thankful for the thorns, and not just the roses, that God has allowed in my life.

Kylee holding cousin, Hailey, who came after my sister miscarried a baby


2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

A quote from Elizabeth Prentiss
"He has not left us to the bitterness of a grief that spurns
and refuses to be comforted... but my comfort is in my
perfect confidence in the goodness and love of my Father,
my certainty that He has a reason in thus afflicting us
that I would admire and adore if I knew what it was."

I hope that throughout the rest of my days I will be able to trust in God regardless of the situation! I pray that I will depend upon his power, crawl in his arms for comfort and lean upon him for strength as I endure whatever He may set before me. Thank you for the many of you who have been such incredible examples of trusting the Lord despite devastating situations. And thanks be to God who loves us deeply, has a future and hope for our lives, and who has overcome this world full of trouble!!