hospital halls

As I was pushing a big stroller full of 2 beautiful little girls through the hospital halls today, the smells started to stir within me emotional memories. By the time we reached the elevator and could see the city skyline of Milwaukee out the picture window, more memories overwhelmed me and I actually had little pools form in my eyes, right there alongside several other people who were also traveling to and from appointments.


Though today was just a routine rheumatology appointment for me, my other experiences at this same location over the years have often held much more meaning and value and, sometimes, great life change. Excuse me while I take a walk down memory lane...

Seven years ago, my husband, 18 month old daughter and I had moved across the country, leaving our beautiful West Coast and all our family for a job in the Midwest. My belly was swollen with 2 baby boys who were due in 4 months time, but whose little lives had been monitored ever so closely because of a size discrepancy and uneven distribution of blood flow through their shared placenta. Two weeks after our move, we had to get out of our tight corporate quarters in down town Milwaukee and took a drive down towards Chicago. I started feeling a little crampy on our way down and made sure to stay well hydrated. We enjoyed our time in the Chicago area, despite those cramps, but as we started to return home in the evening, the cramping got more severe. My obstetric office in Oregon had transferred my care to a specialist in WI, and though I had an appointment scheduled in a couple days, I had yet to see him. We called the office, talked to an MD on call and were told to go the hospital... "OK, which one do we go to?" He was a bit impatient as he answered me, but grew all the more agitated when I asked, "And where exactly is that?" Well, the hospital is HUGE - a small city, really - that probably most people in the Midwest know of... unless, of course, you're brand new to the area. "Just call them!" He was frustrated and hung up. With tears pouring down my cheeks while I breathed through contractions and my husband sped up the freeway, I called 4-1-1 and got the number for the huge hospital, whose operator guided us to their location. At just 26 weeks along, I was whisked down the hospital hallways in record speed and IV's were started immediately to stop the contractions. I was admitted and monitored and it got very late. I sent a very hesitant Jim and our toddler "home" to our hotel room so she could have a good night sleep. We knew not a single soul yet whom we could call for support, and it was a long, lonely, frightful night in that dark hospital room overlooking the Milwaukee city skyline. Please, Lord, help me know that you are here.


A few days after being discharged, I was walking those hallways once again to my first doctor's appointment with the new specialist. Kylee sat beside me in her stroller playing with farm animals as they did an ultrasound on the boys. It wasn't good news - growth had slowed significantly on my little Kaden. I was counseled on all the potential risks of delivering them prematurely to save his life. I was to come back in 2 days time for another measurement, but was told to be very aware of Kaden's movement in the meantime, just in case he stopped. That is a very hard thing to do when 1) you're running after a toddler and 2) there is another active baby boy sharing the uterus. Again, I walked in tears down those hospital halls. Please, Lord, do not take my Kaden.

Each and every one of my appointments (3 a week) brought with it a sense of anxiety as they continuously measured the boys growth and activity. I wondered each time if it would be the day... but each time they said, "we'll see you in 2 more days." On one particular appointment on the 20th of December, my husband had just returned from his first business trip with the new company and was able to join me. Additionally, my parents had just flown into town for a visit and were able to stay with our Kylee girl. Little did we know that this was THE DAY. I had made it to 36 weeks along and Kaden was done growing at 4 pounds, so we were escorted to labor and delivery, strapped to monitors and scheduled for a C-section. Out my boys came and after some quick kisses, they were whisked away somewhere down those hospital halls. Lord, please help them to be all right.

Because we had made it so far along in the pregnancy after many early scares, I did not anticipate complications. So, I was a bit surprised in the next several days that they were unable to maintain their temperature, oxygen levels and needed bili lights, IV's and even feeding tubes. The poor boys were even having a hard time gaining weight. It was so very hard to leave them every night in the hospital in their "pod" overlooking the city skyline. I remember so many days and evenings spent holding them looking out that window, praying for their health and ability to bring them home and have our family united. It only took 10 days, but it felt like forever. That day, December 30th - was such a day of rejoicing as we walked down those hospital halls with our baby boys carried in our arms. Thank you, Lord, for protecting my boys and bringing them home!!

Years later, I walked down those halls with eager anticipation as a dear friend delivered a precious baby boy. A little while later, another friend welcomed beautiful twin girls that I was honored to hold and adore. Excitement and rejoicing. Thank you, Father, for the miracle of life!!

Another time I walked those halls to stand beside some friends whose baby boy passed away just an hour and a half after he'd been born. As I held his lifeless body, heaviness, sorrow and heartache filled the room. Oh, dear God, I cannot imagine. Please comfort this heart broken family!

There were scary days in those halls of tests and appointments trying to find the source of severe head aches, abnormal lab values and illnesses. MRI's, Ultrasounds, CT's, lab work, EEG's - each test bringing with it that awful "what if" question and anxious fears ... Help me trust You, Lord, no matter what.

There were days when I worked in those same hospital halls, caring for patients dealing with the reality of illness, disease, trauma and surgery. I remember late nights reading Psalms to a patient, or holding their hand to pray after receiving a devastating diagnosis or before going into surgery. Dear God, help me to be a source of joy and hope in their lives... help me point them to the truth.

I remember days when my husband and kids would come walking down those hospital halls to meet me for lunch or dinner while I was working the weekend. Their smiles and squeals of delight upon seeing me (whom they called Dr. Nurse Terra) made me feel like the most blessed woman on the planet. Thank you, Father, for the gift of my precious family!

Another time I reluctantly limped down the hospital halls to establish care with a new rheumatologist, after believing my debilitating arthritic disease was a thing of the past. Ten years of complete remission, yet here I was - new meds, lab work, cortisone shots, the whole bit. It was humbling for me to have my family see me in such a state. Lord, help me to make less of me and more of You. I know that you have much to teach me at this time.

And I cannot fail to mention the time my kids accompanied me on one of my trips to have a cortisone injection in my knee. I was to be escorted out in a wheelchair to avoid weight bearing... let's just say that with my kids driving, there are a few more dents and marks in those stark hospital walls. Thank you, Lord, that I wasn't killed in the process! :)

Then there was the day when the boys and I were escorted through "secret hospital hallways" to pick up a darling baby girl, neglected and malnourished and in need of love and protection. I will NEVER forget that feeling when she was first placed in my arms and I gazed at her sweet little face then held her ever so tightly to my chest. Oh God, my heart breaks for what she has endured. Thank you for allowing us to be the family to show her what love feels like.

Another day and another call, another sweet baby girl in desperate need of a family to love her. The day before she came home, I walked down those hospital halls to meet my newest little blessing. I sat for hours holding her trembling little body in my arms, never wanting to let go. Anger was mixed with sorrow. Dear Jesus, it's not fair that she has to suffer! Please heal her quickly and allow for our family to meet her every need.

Hospital halls... I never would have guessed how many spectacular, frustrating and heart breaking, life changing moments were to be lived within them!!

(And this didn't even include my nephew's battle with leukemia or my own marriage proposal which both happened within different hospital halls!)

Twenty-Ten

Our family is so excited to usher in a new year and experience what God has in store for us in 2010! We were able to enjoy incredible blessings in 2009, for which we are so very grateful!! We had a nephew finish and win his fight against leukemia; we had a sister and her family move to Indonesia and start their journey of language learning and church planting with New Tribes; we had a sister return to a relationship with her heavenly Father - all so very exciting!!!

"Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?" Job 2:10

However, as much as we believe that God is good at all times, we also know that He allows difficulties to enter into our lives to help grow and change us. 2009 was a year that we will also remember for the turbulent times we shared as a family.

Though once again I had to endure a debilitating disease and the frustration that accompanied, it was a year when I got to witness true, selfless service and unconditional love the way God intended. My husband fulfilled his promise to love me for better and for worse, in sickness and in health as he cared for me, the home, our kids. My children grew in compassion and service and had the opportunity to rejoice when they saw their prayers answered for mommy to be able to walk and play again.

2009 was also the year that we experienced true heartache and loss as we said good bye to our sweet Adrian, the foster son and brother we adored for 18 full months. With great excitement, we had taken him in as a newborn; with both triumph and struggle we cared for his needs; and with great pain and tears, we returned him to his home. We hurt, grieved, cried, and prayed. We were surrounded with friends and family who supported us while we cared for him, loved him alongside us and who also felt the sting of his departure. We couldn't have done it without them! How grateful we are to God for allowing us this time with this precious little boy, and for His great gifts of supportive family and friends!!

Because of God's great love and sacrifice on our behalf, we hope that no matter what comes our way this year we will be able to stand firm, trust Him and hold onto the hope that He offers. If it be a year of abundant blessing, may we not fail in being grateful to the One to whom it is due. If it be a year of trials, tribulation and suffering, may we not fail in trusting in God's faithfulness and in clinging wholeheartedly to Him.

my heart could burst

I don't know how my girl would feel about me posting her personal items, but this time I couldn't help it. One Sunday morning I couldn't quite get my body working in time to make it to church (it can take several hours). Kylee begged to stay home and help to "take care" of me and I explained to her that we were not going to spend time playing, but reading and praying. She agreed with the plan and ran upstairs to return moments later with her Bible and notebook. After we prayed together, we each journaled for a bit... this is what she shared with me a little later. Brought tears to my eyes.

You've got to laugh a little

Most things have been much harder for me having arthritis flare ups as a mom of little ones, but occasionally, my little ones can make the heavy load a little lighter. I love the laughter they bring!

Kaden - "Here, Mommy, hold on to my shoulders and I will help you to walk!"
"Mommy, I think you might need to go to walking school to learn how to walk again!"
"Mom, my (s)tuffed little froggy walks just like you, watch!" (then demonstrates a hunched, slow, shuffling gait with a limp that the kids see me with every morning)

Colson - (while playing duck-duck-goose) "Mommy, if I tag you as goose I will only walk for you and not run so that you can still catch me, OK?"

Kylee - I asked her if it was hard seeing me walk like "a grandma" in the mornings... "Oh, Mommy, you don't walk like a grandma because grandma's don't walk like that. I think you walk like a great, great, great grandma, 'cuz you have to be really old to walk that way!"

Where to start

Summer has been so full for us this year. Though we have managed to have quite a bit of fun that I hope to document soon, our family has also been taken on a bit of a journey that came about unexpectedly in late June. I wrote this in the midst of it:

When Jim and I married 7 1/2 years ago we eagerly echoed the famous phrase, "in sickness and in health" while our eyes sparkled with joy, excitement and hope for our future together. And for 7 1/2 glorious years we've had the privilege of caring for one another in wonderful health... until now.

It's hard to describe the shame and embarrassment I felt the first time Jim had to see me unable to walk in the morning. Hot, angry tears streamed down my face and I looked away, trying to hide. He married an active, energetic woman who loved to live life and play hard with the kids; but in that moment, he had a young but frustrated wife, hunched over and debilitated with a crippling form of inflammatory arthritis that had returned after 10 years of complete remission. "Tee, I love you. Let me help you, it's OK, we'll do this together!" He gently tried to convince me... and then those words, "remember, Tee, in sickness and in health - I love you."

Though I knew that I could trust his words, my emotions battled against them. Could he truly love me the same when, at times, he has to carry me up and down the stairs because my joints fail me? Could he still adore me when I'm constantly in pain, limping about, rather irritable, racking up bills at the rheumatologist and taking handfuls of medications every day? And, this one hurts the most, when I'm not able to be the kind of wife I would love to be for him or mom I want to be for my kids because of my sudden limitations?

This time in my life has been painful in many aspects, but one in which I am being refined. Jim has continued to love me seamlessly despite the fact that I have become, for the time being, one who is constantly receiving, with not much to give. And in these desperate, helpless, humbling moments and through the constant love of the amazing man in my life, God continues to show me more of Himself. Yes, when I have nothing to offer Him, no capability to serve, not much to contribute to the needs of others, His love for me DOES NOT CHANGE. That is a difficult concept for me to grasp. I want to be "doing" and "serving", but at this time, He has said, "not now." Instead, I have seen His hands loving me through generous and gracious gestures of friends and neighbors - bringing meals, helping to care for my children, praying for me. All this, I believe, is from Him. While I hobble about, unable to keep up with the life that I once lived, He still loves me dearly.

This is a promise I cling to wholeheartedly as I learn to readjust my expectations of what my role as "wife" and "mom" entail; when I try to answer Kylee's question, "Will this kill you? Is it cancer?" or tell the kids that I can no longer skip and run and play like I used to; when guilt threatens to overtake me, as the kids are expected to contribute more at home; when I'm unable to do the things that used to feel so ordinary (laundry, dishes, cooking, grocery shopping) because they suddenly have become such a physical challenge; and when I have to say no to things that I would love to be a part of, but know that I am now limited.

There are, of course, so many reasons to be grateful - I had 10 beautiful years of remission without debilitations, flare ups, surgeries, meds, crutches and shots!! I am so thankful. My little family has come together as a team and have compassionately supported and assisted me. This is life altering, but not life threatening. And even on the most painful days, when I can't keep the frustrated tears from falling, I am certain that enduring this myself is much easier than watching one of my own children suffer, as many have had to do.

Yes, the Lord has been so very good to me... in both sickness and in health... and I have so much to praise Him for, even as I hurt.


I felt it necessary to provide a bit of an explanation as to where I've been and what God is doing with us. It has not been easy to try and balance this arthritis with the life that I love to live as wife and mom, amongst other things. I am a caretaker, and I'd rather not bother with having to receive the care I am now in need of. But, I have no choice. This is my cup that He has allowed and I will learn to drink it. Currently, I have been started on several medications, had my knee drained and injected with cortisone and I am feeling almost "normal" again... at least having the blessed opportunity to walk in the morning with minimal pain.

Because of the Lord's great love we will not be consumed. For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him." Lamentations 3:22-24

Thankful for the Thorns

As I was driving into the Children's hospital today to visit friends whose baby just had open heart surgery, my heart was aching for them. I was once again challenged to think about suffering in life - everyone endures it to one degree or another, some question it, some fight it, and some accept it and endure their trials trusting in God's faithfulness. I am always encouraged by those who endure suffering well, never taking their eyes off God and His goodness and love and perfect will for their lives. I believe wholeheartedly that God will always use the suffering in our lives for good. I have witnessed many family members and friends walk through some of the darkest valleys in this life, all the while looking to God for comfort and strength. Whether it be to encourage and comfort others, to be a testimony of God's great work, to grow in our own relationship with Christ or to increase our faith and dependence on Him, I trust there is always a purpose in our suffering and trials. I've feel privileged to have seen it first hand many times.

My sister Sheila with her son, Nathan, after suffering a devastating loss of her first baby Daniel halfway through her pregnancy

My nephew Connor with his dad and sister graduating from preschool. He's 1 1/2 years into his chemotherapy treatment for leukemia

As I've thought about suffering I've also looked back in my own life and examined many of the difficult times that God has brought me through. I am usually timid about sharing such experiences, knowing that others have gone through so much more than I have. However, someone recently encouraged me to not be afraid to share my own experiences because no matter how big or small, they are a testament of who God is and how He works in the lives of those who love and trust in Him. I also realized that I have had the blessing of seeing the "why" to my times of suffering answered on this side of heaven.

When I was 16 I had been dancing and touring with a professional ballet company for years. I was young, healthy and strong and loved what I was doing. Just as we began training for another Nutcracker season and tour, I started having back pain and swollen joints. After much testing it was determined that I had an autoimmune arthritic disease that I would most likely battle throughout my life. Suddenly, without preparation, dancing was cut out of my life. Within months I was crawling on my hands and knees first thing in the morning because my feet were so swollen and painful. My knee needed to be drained several times, along with a painful cortisone injections and a whole lot of time on crutches. Eventually I had knee surgery and was started on a chemo agent to kill off the inflamed cells in my body. I was sickly and weak and for the first time in my life I questioned God's existence and perfect will for me. I remember crying out to Him, "Are you there? Do you even care?" I know for a fact I felt His presence in that moment of desperation and nearly heard a voice saying, "I am here and I love you." That reassurance was all I needed to choose to trust Him throughout my disease process. I endured a total of 4 years of arthritic peaks and valleys, and then went into a remission and have been off of all medications for 7 years now. Because of my arthritis, I had to make some choices about what I was going to do with my life. Dancing professionally for several years to make money for college was no longer an option and I chose, instead, to go to nursing school, which had always been a passion of mine. I know full well why God removed my "dreams" of dancing professionally and gave me instead a career that will forever be an asset in my life.

Another way that God revealed His perfect will in my life through my arthritic condition was how He changed the way I valued myself. While dancing, I began to put much worth on external appearance - my shape, size and weight - and because of it suffered through 2 years of eating disorders. When I was forced to give up dancing and the several hours a week of intense exercise, I quickly "flourished" in my physique. In my vulnerable state, God was able to show me that I was precious in His sight and that my value was wrapped up in Him, not on my own appearance or achievements. It was a lesson that I will never forget and one that He allowed me to share with many others during my college years who had also tried placing their worth in their own appearance and hard work.

Another growing time in my life occurred when Jim and I had been married one and a half years and Kylee was just 5 months old. Jim's company was going through changes and he was laid off of his job. We were quick to move up to Oregon, believing that it was not only a wonderful place to raise a family, but wanting to be near my family as well. As months passed by, Jim had several freelance opportunities that he worked on, followed by some permanent job opportunities, that we didn't feel led to take. It was a challenging time of trusting my dear husband's wisdom even if things didn't make sense financially, and also waiting for God's guidance and provision, having no idea what that would look like in our lives. We grew in our faith and Jim, to this day, says that my trust in him during that arduous time spoke volumes to him about the way I loved and respected him. Our relationship flourished despite the circumstances. Eventually, the opportunity to move to Wisconsin came about, and though it didn't make much sense at the time, God gave both Jim and I a sense of peace regarding His involvement in this move. We miss friends and family every day, but God has been faithful and has been so very good to us here in Wisconsin!!!

Good friends here in Wisconsin



And lastly, another time of suffering in my life was during the pregnancy with my twin boys. We thought all was well until my visit to a specialist. I remember sitting in the waiting room and saying to Jim, "We are so blessed! Many people have to come to this specialist because there are problems with their pregnancies or babies, but we're here because we have 2 of them!" Well, I left the appointment crying after hearing in a counseling session that my boys likely had an abnormal blood flow and the chance of ever holding them both alive was slim. The rest of the pregnancy was rocky - many appointments, ultrasounds, an admission for premature contractions, stress testing and always hearing about the risk of premature delivery and the complications involved. On top of that, we moved across the country and away from all forms of help and support. I remember one night in Milwaukee after hearing bad news on Kaden's growth, Jim and I sat holding each other and sobbing. If he didn't start increasing in weight, the doctor had said, they would have to take him early to save his life, and put both boys at risk of extreme prematurity. There was nothing we could do but trust God and His perfect plan for our little boys. Despite all the threats and risks, we brought our precious little boys into the world at 36 weeks and though it took them just a little time to get all their systems in order, both our boys were healthy babies. Now they are running, jumping and talking toddlers that are as healthy and strong as can be. They are also constant reminders to me of God's great love and faithfulness in my life.

My 4 lb baby boy Kaden


My 6 lb Colson baby


We brought the boys home at just 10 days old!!


Through these personal circumstances and situations I've had the awesome opportunity to grow closer to God and have learned to trust Him more. I have also seen His work and faithfulness displayed in my life through the pain and times of struggle. It is because of this that I can say I have been thankful for the thorns, and not just the roses, that God has allowed in my life.

Kylee holding cousin, Hailey, who came after my sister miscarried a baby


2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

A quote from Elizabeth Prentiss
"He has not left us to the bitterness of a grief that spurns
and refuses to be comforted... but my comfort is in my
perfect confidence in the goodness and love of my Father,
my certainty that He has a reason in thus afflicting us
that I would admire and adore if I knew what it was."

I hope that throughout the rest of my days I will be able to trust in God regardless of the situation! I pray that I will depend upon his power, crawl in his arms for comfort and lean upon him for strength as I endure whatever He may set before me. Thank you for the many of you who have been such incredible examples of trusting the Lord despite devastating situations. And thanks be to God who loves us deeply, has a future and hope for our lives, and who has overcome this world full of trouble!!