Where to start

Summer has been so full for us this year. Though we have managed to have quite a bit of fun that I hope to document soon, our family has also been taken on a bit of a journey that came about unexpectedly in late June. I wrote this in the midst of it:

When Jim and I married 7 1/2 years ago we eagerly echoed the famous phrase, "in sickness and in health" while our eyes sparkled with joy, excitement and hope for our future together. And for 7 1/2 glorious years we've had the privilege of caring for one another in wonderful health... until now.

It's hard to describe the shame and embarrassment I felt the first time Jim had to see me unable to walk in the morning. Hot, angry tears streamed down my face and I looked away, trying to hide. He married an active, energetic woman who loved to live life and play hard with the kids; but in that moment, he had a young but frustrated wife, hunched over and debilitated with a crippling form of inflammatory arthritis that had returned after 10 years of complete remission. "Tee, I love you. Let me help you, it's OK, we'll do this together!" He gently tried to convince me... and then those words, "remember, Tee, in sickness and in health - I love you."

Though I knew that I could trust his words, my emotions battled against them. Could he truly love me the same when, at times, he has to carry me up and down the stairs because my joints fail me? Could he still adore me when I'm constantly in pain, limping about, rather irritable, racking up bills at the rheumatologist and taking handfuls of medications every day? And, this one hurts the most, when I'm not able to be the kind of wife I would love to be for him or mom I want to be for my kids because of my sudden limitations?

This time in my life has been painful in many aspects, but one in which I am being refined. Jim has continued to love me seamlessly despite the fact that I have become, for the time being, one who is constantly receiving, with not much to give. And in these desperate, helpless, humbling moments and through the constant love of the amazing man in my life, God continues to show me more of Himself. Yes, when I have nothing to offer Him, no capability to serve, not much to contribute to the needs of others, His love for me DOES NOT CHANGE. That is a difficult concept for me to grasp. I want to be "doing" and "serving", but at this time, He has said, "not now." Instead, I have seen His hands loving me through generous and gracious gestures of friends and neighbors - bringing meals, helping to care for my children, praying for me. All this, I believe, is from Him. While I hobble about, unable to keep up with the life that I once lived, He still loves me dearly.

This is a promise I cling to wholeheartedly as I learn to readjust my expectations of what my role as "wife" and "mom" entail; when I try to answer Kylee's question, "Will this kill you? Is it cancer?" or tell the kids that I can no longer skip and run and play like I used to; when guilt threatens to overtake me, as the kids are expected to contribute more at home; when I'm unable to do the things that used to feel so ordinary (laundry, dishes, cooking, grocery shopping) because they suddenly have become such a physical challenge; and when I have to say no to things that I would love to be a part of, but know that I am now limited.

There are, of course, so many reasons to be grateful - I had 10 beautiful years of remission without debilitations, flare ups, surgeries, meds, crutches and shots!! I am so thankful. My little family has come together as a team and have compassionately supported and assisted me. This is life altering, but not life threatening. And even on the most painful days, when I can't keep the frustrated tears from falling, I am certain that enduring this myself is much easier than watching one of my own children suffer, as many have had to do.

Yes, the Lord has been so very good to me... in both sickness and in health... and I have so much to praise Him for, even as I hurt.


I felt it necessary to provide a bit of an explanation as to where I've been and what God is doing with us. It has not been easy to try and balance this arthritis with the life that I love to live as wife and mom, amongst other things. I am a caretaker, and I'd rather not bother with having to receive the care I am now in need of. But, I have no choice. This is my cup that He has allowed and I will learn to drink it. Currently, I have been started on several medications, had my knee drained and injected with cortisone and I am feeling almost "normal" again... at least having the blessed opportunity to walk in the morning with minimal pain.

Because of the Lord's great love we will not be consumed. For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him." Lamentations 3:22-24