grief

"As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you." Isaiah 66:13

Over the month of April as we prepared for court for our Tiny girl, we started talking more to our kids about her departure. I will be honest and say, it has not been pretty. They ask lots of questions, we provide the best answers we can. They cry, we hold them and wipe their tears. They become clingy and question their security, we comfort them and tell them constantly of their worth and remind them that God gave them to us as our "forever children" that no one can take away. They have nightmares, we crawl into bed and hold them tightly and pray their fears away. They wet the bed out of the blue, we tell them it's OK - they are hurting and it's normal for kids who are hurting in their hearts to do such things. There have been some days that have been hard, heavy and full of tears.

As a parent, you desperately want to protect your children from all pain and suffering, right? So at this point of foster care, when we are being forced to let go against our will to a child who has been our daughter and baby sister for so long and our children start to exhibit signs of grief, I start to doubt. How can I put my kids through this? But my doubts are not able to remain for long, because I have a household of individuals fully committed to this cause, despite the pain.


One morning, Ky asked me how many more days we'd have our girl. My answer was 21-28 days, approximately. "Oh, mama, I think I'm gonna have a heart attack!" Trying to keep the conversation fairly light as the kids were just about to leave for school, I answered, "well, I can't lose both of you, so maybe we'll just take a break from foster care for a bit!"

Kaden overheard and nearly yelled, "No, mom! We can't do that! When we love them, it's like we're loving God and we have to! We have to have courage! We have to do the right thing even when it's hard!" Kylee agreed and I hugged them both tightly as tears filled my eyes. Quite a perspective from a 6 year old boy.

Another day, Colson was singing the beautiful song Never Let Go, by Matt Redmond. He sang the chorus loudly:

"Oh, no, You never let go, through the calm and through the storm!
Oh, no, You never let go, every high and every low.
Oh, no, You never let go, You never let go of me!"

He then turned to me and said, "Mom, that song reminds me of Tiny. Whenever I sing the part about the storm, I think of having to say good bye to her." His voice cracked and so I held him tightly and reminded him of the other words in the song - that God would never let go of Tiny and never let go of him either. "I know. I love foster care, I just don't love good byes."

Many people may disagree that what we are doing is in the best interest of our own kids... in fact, I have been told so to my face. For that very reason, I usually don't like to share the details of the grief experienced by my kids. But I chose to today, for I believe that there is a point (or a few) to be made... and maybe, just maybe, I need to be reminded of these points myself in the days to come! :)

1. We are Christians. Christ has called us to love beyond ourselves - to lay down our lives for the benefit of others. He has done this for us and has asked that as his followers, we do so for others. It certainly isn't easy, and it's not always pretty, but it is our God-given purpose. It certainly is an idea far beyond cultural norms, where focus is always on self... but we believe in the Bible with all our hearts and desire that our kids will learn to put God first in all things.

2. God has said in His word that we will have many troubles in this world - we should expect them. He also said to rejoice in suffering as we share in the sufferings of Christ. Suffering isn't something that we should strive to avoid at all costs, but willingly accept as His will. Incredible growth happens as we suffer. We cling tightly to Him who promises never to leave nor forsake us; to carry us throughout all the days of our lives; to turn our anguish into joy; to wipe our tears from our eyes. One day, He will overcome this world with it's troubles. We can not only experience His comfort in these days, but wait with expectation and excitement for His return when all things will be made right and no suffering will ever be endured again! Oh, what hope!!

3. We desire that our kids will learn that God is worthy of every sacrifice and every scar we may receive in this life. He has first laid down His life on our behalf and we are to live lives worthy of Him, with His help.

4. Our children get to learn about the character of God and the promises of God in ways they never would if we protected them from all suffering. How much more meaning does such a promise hold in the midst of heartache? "Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." Isaiah 46:4

5. Our kids do suffer, but it is within a secure and stable environment with parents totally committed to helping them through the process. Though we are so imperfect in so many ways, we are devoted to them in love and will provide comfort and reassurance and do our best to meet their needs along the way. I cannot fairly say that their suffering is worth comparing to that of the kids who come into care - abandoned, beaten and neglected, children who have not known even a single day of security, stability, healthy love or comfort. Do we turn our backs on such devastating needs to protect our own children from experiencing the pain of letting go? We believe not.

(OK, I can hear Colson scolding me because I said "a few" points and this is going way beyond "a few", which he insists is only 3.... but bear with me, I'm almost done!)

6. God has called us to care for the fatherless, amongst many other human conditions and needs. What a delight it is to the kids to have an opportunity to walk in obedience and to be a part of God's plan as they so desperately love on these little ones!

7. "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven." (Matt. 6:19-20) We hope and we pray fervently that our kids will develop hearts for those things that hold eternal value - empathy, compassion, service, humility.

And that is why we do what we do. That is why we willingly allow our kids to "suffer" even as it breaks our hearts. They suffer with an eternal purpose, sometimes putting a child's heart breaking needs above their own, for a God who loves them in a desperate way!!

open wide

I was mortified.

As I tidied the upstairs bedrooms and bathrooms one morning, Tiny followed at my feet and babbled joyfully along. At one point, I noticed she had quieted some and so I turned and found her entertaining herself... by holding and chewing on a toilet base screw cover!!!

Although I do attempt to keep my home and toilets fairly clean, I do have boys. If you are a mama of boys, you probably understand. Despite their best attempts, they can often become distracted and silly during the process and as a result, their aim doesn't always hit the target. We've taught them to clean up their own mishaps, but still...

Needless to say, my stomach lurched a bit as I quickly pulled the screw cover from her mouth. Of course, she was heart broken that I removed her treasure and threw herself into monstrous tantrum. Oh, dear, if you only knew sweetheart! I am just trying to protect you, I thought as I consoled her.

A little while later, she sat in her high chair snacking away as I was mixing up some chocolate chip cookies. I plopped a couple chocolate chips on her tray, envisioning the joy they would bring, and to my surprise, her hand brushed them quickly away as she turned her head and stated, "No!" How could she turn away such sweetness and delight? Apparently, she saw the hard, brown little pieces and must have thought it was something dreadful.

So, I picked one up and popped it into my mouth smiling and said, "Yummmmm." She watched me closely as I did the same thing once again, and then her little fingers cautiously started reaching for the chocolate chips. Still a bit unsure, I lifted one chip to her little lips so that she could taste just a smidge of the sweetness. It worked. With wide, round eyes, she grabbed the remainder of the chocolate chips on her tray and stuffed them into her mouth as quickly as possible. No longer did she refuse this special treat.

It made me think... How often do I turn away from what my Heavenly Father is "feeding" me? How often do I cry and scream and wail because He has removed something that I treasure so, or because I cannot understand why He is doing what He is doing? And how often have I missed out on His incredible blessings for me because I have not desired to taste what it is He has to offer me? Have I, too, refused such sweetness from His hand?

He has allowed me, as a parent, to know more than my young children so that I can protect them from things that may be harmful. Even if my children do not understand, it is still for their benefit. How much more does my Heavenly Father know and see that I cannot possibly comprehend? And how much greater is His ability to love me perfectly, and bring about things in my life to transform me more into His likeness? How dare I refuse!!

Thank you, Lord, for this lesson at a time when I need it most. Before me, you have a spoonful that I am scared to death to swallow. All I can see from my perspective is sour pain and bitter heartache. But, as my Father, I can trust You.

So, I will choose to open wide.

we're going to Togo!!

We are so excited that Jim/Daddy has been asked to join a team at our church to travel to Togo, Africa later this summer on a missions trip! He will be helping to construct a hospital run by a Christian missionary organization in a Muslim area. The hospital will be called "the Hospital of Hope" not only because it will bring health and healing to the area (which currently has a terrible health care system) but it will also offer the message of salvation through Christ, to those who have never heard! We are very excited for him!!!

Recently, the missionaries that our church supports in Togo were on furlough and came to visit. We were so excited to spend time with them and to learn more about the project our Daddy will be working on! Their oldest boy, at just 11 years old, spoke to the kids' Sunday school class and had a slide show to go along with his presentation. Apparently, it had quite an impact on the kids because they came home talking ALL about it!!


In fact, back at home, the kids grabbed the missionary bookmarks (prayer reminders) that we had picked up and declared them "tickets to Togo!" We jumped on an imaginary plane and flew to Togo and built the hospital ourselves!! Then, they collected all the Togolese people they could find in our home and brought them to our "hospital" where they treated their wounds and told them about the wonderful news of Jesus.










It was such a great opportunity to talk with our kids about missions, other belief systems and how we can be supporting and praying for missionaries everywhere who have sacrificed so much to share the good news of Jesus with others who have never heard.

on the verge of the valley (we think)

This is a strange place to be.

On one had, we are standing on the verge of one of the deepest, darkest valleys that we've been asked to travel in our lives - letting go of a child that has been our daughter for the first 14 months of her little life. The thought seems unbearable... how on earth will we ever be able to release this precious child from our arms? Will she feel abandoned when the only life and family she has ever known is suddenly gone? What is our life supposed to look like without her in it? It is a life that feels impossible to imagine. But, yet, that life may just be one month away.

On the other hand, there is always the chance that there will be yet another stall in court, or that the ruling will not be what it's "supposed" to be, which would catapult us back into that world of "wait and see". We just won't know until it happens.

As adults, it's a hard line to walk and mournful emotions overcome us often. However, where it is especially challenging is in preparing our dear ones little hearts for such a good bye. If it does happen as "it's supposed to", well... a month is just not much time to prepare our children for a change that will absolutely rock their whole world. Their "baby sister", whom they love with all their hearts, will be gone.

Today was the day that I decided to sit down and talk to them, as another month will easily be gone before we know it. I told them there would be another court date at the end of the month and one of two things would be decided - more time of waiting and unknowns, or a quick good bye to our baby girl.

There were tears - lots of them. Kaden blurted out, "But, Mom, she loves us!!!" And with my own face soaked to the bone, I did my best to remind them of the laws to keep siblings together. "Well, why do we have to be the ones to give our baby up? Why doesn't the other family have to give their sister up and she can come and live with us?" Oh my sweet boy - how I, too, have tried so desperately to find another way for this to end. We talked of God's sovereignty, His will and how we can trust in His love and comfort towards us as we walk through this valley. We held each other tightly, grieving, and listened to worship music that reminded us of such truths. It is all that we have to cling to... as well as all that we should cling to.

So, these days, our moments with her are so very precious and we don't take a single one for granted. We play hard and we laugh hard. And, yet, there are many moments when we cry hard too. If you feel so inclined, we'd love to ask for prayer as we walk through the days and the valley ahead. Thank you.

"The Lord will guide you always.
He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well watered garden,
like a spring that never fails."
Isaiah 58:11

Soles for Jesus

How enticing it can be to be drawn in to all the colors and styles our culture has to offer us...

... to pamper and protect our little lovies pretty feet.


Until we remember how much of the rest of the world lives...

Do these precious feet not also deserve to be gingerly cared for and covered? Instead, they are exposed to insanitary conditions of their roads & paths. Diseases often spread through open sores on their little feet.

Oh, my heart. Can you imagine being a mommy who is unable to provide such a basic luxury to her beloved child?

How much I take for granted. This weekend, our family had the amazing opportunity to be part of a shoe drive with Soles for Jesus, through our church. All shoes collected are being sent to Ethiopia for children in need. It's an amazing ministry and I encourage everyone to check it out!! Such an easy way to make a difference in the lives of needy children!

It was saddening how quickly we could pile up pairs of shoes that we no longer wore. However, we were grateful to have the opportunity to donate our shoes to such a worthy cause!

On top of that, our pastor encouraged us all to come to church barefoot, remembering those that have no choice every day. We were committed! Our family got excited about this opportunity and the kids thought it was the greatest thing ever. I debated about sending them in socks, for sanitary reasons, but it kinda defeats the purpose. And, my Kylee wouldn't allow it. "No, Mom, I want to go without anything just like the kids that have to every day!" So off we went with pasty white, bare feet.

We weren't necessarily expecting this kind of weather...

... but regardless, we felt pretty certain we could handle such "inconvenience" and "discomfort" for a mere few hours. And, my husband was the real hero, who dropped us off near to the church door, then parked and walked all the way in to church. Kylee insisted on joining him on the way out. She wanted to be as involved in this experience as much as possible. I loved it.

I'm not sure how many shoes were collected yet, but there sure were a lot of them, as well as bare feet walking the halls of our church today.

our little fairy princess

She floats about the halls and bedrooms, tucking in the "big kids" with sweetness, smiles and slobbery kisses...

She eats all of her vegetables...

She loves to call Daddy on the phone and hear his voice...

She loves to gather boxes from our recycling and tromp down the driveway, delivering them to the mail box...

She loves when "sississ" and "babas" (brothers) push her around the house on her little riding toy...

She loves to find "treasures" in our recycling... can't get enough milk, right? :)

She loves to be bounced by the boys on the trampoline...
(wish I had recorded the giggles)

She loves dressing up in her fairy wings and dance and fly about the house...

...and count her hair "pitties" (pretties) one by one.

She has taught me so much about the endless fun of recyclables...

She loves playtime in her room, especially with the other kids!

Ahhh, bath time. Loves that too.

A new favorite - puzzles!!

She loves wrestling the boys... watch out if she catches you on the floor!!

She loves her baby praise video and singing and dancing along...

She will mimic everything she sees, for better or for worse...

She loves pretend play and "feeding" others with a spoon...

She can almost always be seen with her "Purple" - the lovable, purple dog given to her by Kylee upon her arrival to our home...

And when she's sick, tired or hurting, well, there's just no better place to be than in Daddy's strong arms.