One of the first times I remember hearing it was while our family was walking through a forest thick with trees several months ago. As she plodded along the uneven ground, I grasped her small hand in mine to help steady her.
"You got me, Mommy?"
"Yes, sweetie, I got you."
With every unbalanced step thereafter, my hand would clutch hers more tightly to add support and stability to her tread and she would repeat her inquiry, "You got me, Mommy? You got me?"
This sweet and simple question has passed through my little Carys' lips quite often in the past several months.
When feelings of fear or sadness engulf her, she runs to my arms eager for an embrace. "You got me, Mommy?" Yes, I've got you.
When we are restoring our relationship, disrupted by disobedience and disrespect and I look into her tearful, remorseful eyes and deliver a hug. "You got me, Mommy?" Yes, I've got you.
When we play hard wrestling and tickling and squealing with laughter... I throw her into the air and catch her as she falls back into my arms. She declares me to be "so strong" and then asks, "You got me, Mommy?" Yes, my love, I've got you.
When her impulsive and explosive emotions are too much for her 2 yr. old self to handle, I often need to hold her tightly and securely in my arms as she wails away, thrashing about. When she finally calms, her breaths quivering with each inhalation and her body relaxes, she asks, "You got me, Mommy?" Always, my daughter, I've got you.
When I pull her out of the warm, sudsy bath water and wrap a towel around her, swinging her into my arms and calling her a burrito, "You got me, Mommy?" Yes, little burrito, I've got you!
Such a question does something deep within my soul, reminding me of why I was created and what God has purposed for my life. I am her mommy. God's beautiful, redemptive story in her life has allowed me to be the one to hold her, hug her, help her, calm her, comfort her, heal past hurts. I get to be used in such a way, though I did nothing to deserve such a blessing. I am privileged to be her place of comfort, safety and security as she needs to be "gotten" again and again.
And the beauty of such a privileged role is revealed when frustration or pain or inadequacies overwhelm me and tears fall from my own eyes as I cry out for God's strength and help. Chubby little arms surround me, soft hands pat my back and stroke my hair, "I gotchoo, Mommy. I gotchoo."
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Monday, October 8, 2012
purposefully made
I was enjoying a rare one-on-one moment with my 2 year old as we snacked on banana muffins and watched the golden leaves falling outside. With freshly self-cut "bangs" and her little head resting on her forearms, she looked out into the sky and declared, "The sunshine come up, Mom!"
"Yes, Care Bear, the sun comes up every single day! Isn't that amazing?"
"Sunshine come up all the days, Mom?" She asks inquisitively, her beautiful hazel eyes large and round and demanding an explanation.
It was one of those moments that I am so grateful for, for I was able to talk to my sweet girl about purpose. The sun doesn't rise and set every day by accident. This incredible world we call home didn't come about with an accidental big bang. The sun was made and the earth was made with purpose and miraculous order and care. And our lives are certainly no accident either.
How wonderful it is to continue to tell my sweet girl the story that began the moment she was first placed in my arms. Your life, my sweets, has indescribable purpose. You were carefully knit together in your mama's womb and every day for you was planned and known before even one of them ever came to be. You are unlike any other in all the earth. Your Maker is all powerful and all knowing, yet tender, loving, gentle and attentive to you. He made you with unique gifts to add beauty to your life and to glorify your Creator. As your mommy and daddy, we are excited to help you discover, cultivate and utilize these gifts and to guide you into becoming all that He has intended you to be.
Yes, Carys, just like the sunshine that you love so much, you are fearfully and wonderfully made. I know this full well.
Monday, July 9, 2012
If this is my cup
There is an older(ish) song with a line that states, "If this is my cup I'll learn to drink it."
Recently, we have been offered a cup that I wanted to refuse. My response to what God had allowed to transpire was a resounding, grievous, "NO! I can't do that, I won't do that. It hurts too bad and I'm totally incapable of such a task.... again."
We were asked, surprisingly and suddenly, to be ready to let go of a little one that we love ever so deeply, every so passionately, ever so completely as one we believed would be our forever little girl for quite some time now.
Loving a child desperately, only to let go is the hardest thing that I, personally, have had to endure on this earth. Though it pales in comparison to what others are called to do in obedience to God's leading, it is, nonetheless, the sacrifice that we have been asked to make in our ministry of fostering and, Lord willing, adopting.
With our first foster son, A, we didn't know if we'd ever get over the pain of loss ... the pain that almost left us rejecting this whole "leading" thing after all. We didn't "get over" it; we will always feel anguish and shed tears over the good bye to our boy of 18 months. But we did experience God's incredible comfort and compassion and realized what is required of those who follow Him. His love is a love that takes risks and cost him greatly ... and so must ours.
He brought another little one into our lives that we were told would be ours for a short while. We knew the heartache that awaited us, so we clung to our moments with her ever so tightly, wanting them to last forever. Such love, accompanied with such bitter knowledge, is a painful kind of love. In one moment you get lost in the beauty of the laughter that escapes her sweet lips as you greet her in the morning... then comes the heaviness of knowing that this too shall end. Tears flow freely and often and an ache within the soul accompanies every.waking.minute.
But, she was worth it, so we would endure with His strength. What a miraculous gift and complete surprise we were granted at the end of that long, painful valley. She would be our daughter forever, never to be removed. That moment was my most rapid ascension to a mountain top from a dark valley that I have yet known. And the next, my most rapid decline.
Our little "Elle" entered our home a short time later, while still basking in the glory of the view from our mountain top. Within several months, we had adoption papers in the works and approved by the state. She became our absolute joy and delight and proof to us that God does immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine. We hadn't planned on a fifth child, but His ways are greater than our ways and we remain so grateful!!
When court proceedings began, just a short while ago, there was a surprising, horrific decision to give "more time" to the birth mom, giving her the opportunity at this late date to try (once again) to win back custody of her child. It didn't make any sense to anyone. The shock was widespread and I could barely breathe. I scurried out of the courtroom just as quickly as I was able, gagging and choking as I went. The pain of that moment was some of the most intense I have known - the thought of losing our girl left me curled in a ball on the floor of my van wailing away uncontrollably. It was there that I cried out to God, "NO!" I didn't want this cup to drink. I remembered Jesus asking his Father in the garden, "Please, if there is any other way..."
But there was no other way and Jesus walked in obedience, no matter the cost.
The past month has been a challenging one - God has asked me to show love to another in a way that goes against every fiber in my being. There is hurt, there is pain, there is confusion, there is anger, there is a passion to protect sweet "Elle" from any further harm or trauma and yet, I must put on His character and act in love towards her birth mom. We are also being asked to love again with that painful love - the kind that comes with no guarantees of a reward in the end, the kind that could potentially result in utter heartache and loss. How grateful I am that He says, "My grace is sufficient for you. My strength is made perfect in your weakness!" There are few times in life that I have felt so emotionally weak and feeble. We trust in His sovereignty, we depend upon His strength, we hold tightly to His promises. A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families. (Psalm 68:5)
If this is our cup, we'll learn to drink it.
Recently, we have been offered a cup that I wanted to refuse. My response to what God had allowed to transpire was a resounding, grievous, "NO! I can't do that, I won't do that. It hurts too bad and I'm totally incapable of such a task.... again."
We were asked, surprisingly and suddenly, to be ready to let go of a little one that we love ever so deeply, every so passionately, ever so completely as one we believed would be our forever little girl for quite some time now.
Loving a child desperately, only to let go is the hardest thing that I, personally, have had to endure on this earth. Though it pales in comparison to what others are called to do in obedience to God's leading, it is, nonetheless, the sacrifice that we have been asked to make in our ministry of fostering and, Lord willing, adopting.
With our first foster son, A, we didn't know if we'd ever get over the pain of loss ... the pain that almost left us rejecting this whole "leading" thing after all. We didn't "get over" it; we will always feel anguish and shed tears over the good bye to our boy of 18 months. But we did experience God's incredible comfort and compassion and realized what is required of those who follow Him. His love is a love that takes risks and cost him greatly ... and so must ours.
He brought another little one into our lives that we were told would be ours for a short while. We knew the heartache that awaited us, so we clung to our moments with her ever so tightly, wanting them to last forever. Such love, accompanied with such bitter knowledge, is a painful kind of love. In one moment you get lost in the beauty of the laughter that escapes her sweet lips as you greet her in the morning... then comes the heaviness of knowing that this too shall end. Tears flow freely and often and an ache within the soul accompanies every.waking.minute.
But, she was worth it, so we would endure with His strength. What a miraculous gift and complete surprise we were granted at the end of that long, painful valley. She would be our daughter forever, never to be removed. That moment was my most rapid ascension to a mountain top from a dark valley that I have yet known. And the next, my most rapid decline.
Our little "Elle" entered our home a short time later, while still basking in the glory of the view from our mountain top. Within several months, we had adoption papers in the works and approved by the state. She became our absolute joy and delight and proof to us that God does immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine. We hadn't planned on a fifth child, but His ways are greater than our ways and we remain so grateful!!
When court proceedings began, just a short while ago, there was a surprising, horrific decision to give "more time" to the birth mom, giving her the opportunity at this late date to try (once again) to win back custody of her child. It didn't make any sense to anyone. The shock was widespread and I could barely breathe. I scurried out of the courtroom just as quickly as I was able, gagging and choking as I went. The pain of that moment was some of the most intense I have known - the thought of losing our girl left me curled in a ball on the floor of my van wailing away uncontrollably. It was there that I cried out to God, "NO!" I didn't want this cup to drink. I remembered Jesus asking his Father in the garden, "Please, if there is any other way..."
But there was no other way and Jesus walked in obedience, no matter the cost.
The past month has been a challenging one - God has asked me to show love to another in a way that goes against every fiber in my being. There is hurt, there is pain, there is confusion, there is anger, there is a passion to protect sweet "Elle" from any further harm or trauma and yet, I must put on His character and act in love towards her birth mom. We are also being asked to love again with that painful love - the kind that comes with no guarantees of a reward in the end, the kind that could potentially result in utter heartache and loss. How grateful I am that He says, "My grace is sufficient for you. My strength is made perfect in your weakness!" There are few times in life that I have felt so emotionally weak and feeble. We trust in His sovereignty, we depend upon His strength, we hold tightly to His promises. A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families. (Psalm 68:5)
If this is our cup, we'll learn to drink it.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
dream come true
I hear it often from pregnant mommies, "I don't care if it's a boy or girl, I just want a healthy baby." And just again yesterday, there was a prayer request for a "healthy baby".
I understand the desire because it's exactly what I wanted many years ago. I also prayed for the perfect health and safety for my 3 big kids as they grew within the hidden confines of my womb. I read the books, ate everything I should and avoided all I was to avoid. I was careful and cautious, wanting the very best for my growing babies. As they grew, I thought the "worst thing" would be an ailment or condition that would cause them to be unhealthy and have to suffer. What heart ache that would cause. What a challenge that would be. But then, God changed my life and my heart.
First, He sent my precious Carys. Knowing her genetic make up, we embraced her for everything she was and everything she may or may not become. "Cognitive delays and learning disabilities" were not the perfect picture of health that so many desire in their children, but such was her DNA and they became absolute perfection to us. Come what may, she was our beloved daughter, fearfully and wonderfully made by her perfect Creator. He doesn't make mistakes. We would help her become all that He intended her to be, knowing she was perfectly made just as she was. No matter how the world might judge her, she was created with a precious and unique purpose. We, as her mommy and daddy, would help her find it.
A year later came Toben. Though we never got a chance to hold him in our arms, God used his little life in so many ways in our family. We prayed fervently for safety and protection for him as he struggled to survive and grow within his mama's womb. We knew that physical, mental and developmental "health" would likely not be his. Our cry for him was just that he would LIVE!! If he were to survive, we trusted that God would equip us with everything we would need to meet whatever obstacles he might face. He was full of immeasurable worth and value and fully deserved a family committed to meet his every need. Though he did survive, the plans for him changed and he did not come home to our family. However, we were able to love him from afar and see prayers answered in his life. God also used Toben to pave the way for His continued plan for our family.
A few moths later came our little "Elle". Her story was so very similar to our Toben. There were no questions to ask, we knew that we would also embrace her completely, come what may. She had a battle to fight and we would help her to do it. Possible brain damage? Delays? A range of potential disabilities? We'd take it... we'd take anything for the opportunity to love this gift, this little miracle.
The future for our little girls still holds many unknowns. But one absolute "known" is that they will be loved completely, embraced fully and viewed as beautiful, magnificent treasures that God has created them to be. We have come to value every "delay", "disability", and "dysfunction" as a gift, part of the unique purpose God has for each and every human being. Having such especially special little girls has softened our hearts and changed our perspective and expectations. What the world declares they do not want, we have been most immeasurably blessed by. They are two of our greatest treasures here on Earth.
Lord, I know that you will give me the children that You have purposed just for our family. I ask that you will help me to desire not what the world declares "perfect", but what You, in Your great sovereignty, have declared perfect for our family. I embrace whomever you entrust to our care as a precious gift. I trust You, Lord, for You have turned a "worst nightmare" into my dream come true.
I understand the desire because it's exactly what I wanted many years ago. I also prayed for the perfect health and safety for my 3 big kids as they grew within the hidden confines of my womb. I read the books, ate everything I should and avoided all I was to avoid. I was careful and cautious, wanting the very best for my growing babies. As they grew, I thought the "worst thing" would be an ailment or condition that would cause them to be unhealthy and have to suffer. What heart ache that would cause. What a challenge that would be. But then, God changed my life and my heart.
First, He sent my precious Carys. Knowing her genetic make up, we embraced her for everything she was and everything she may or may not become. "Cognitive delays and learning disabilities" were not the perfect picture of health that so many desire in their children, but such was her DNA and they became absolute perfection to us. Come what may, she was our beloved daughter, fearfully and wonderfully made by her perfect Creator. He doesn't make mistakes. We would help her become all that He intended her to be, knowing she was perfectly made just as she was. No matter how the world might judge her, she was created with a precious and unique purpose. We, as her mommy and daddy, would help her find it.
A year later came Toben. Though we never got a chance to hold him in our arms, God used his little life in so many ways in our family. We prayed fervently for safety and protection for him as he struggled to survive and grow within his mama's womb. We knew that physical, mental and developmental "health" would likely not be his. Our cry for him was just that he would LIVE!! If he were to survive, we trusted that God would equip us with everything we would need to meet whatever obstacles he might face. He was full of immeasurable worth and value and fully deserved a family committed to meet his every need. Though he did survive, the plans for him changed and he did not come home to our family. However, we were able to love him from afar and see prayers answered in his life. God also used Toben to pave the way for His continued plan for our family.
A few moths later came our little "Elle". Her story was so very similar to our Toben. There were no questions to ask, we knew that we would also embrace her completely, come what may. She had a battle to fight and we would help her to do it. Possible brain damage? Delays? A range of potential disabilities? We'd take it... we'd take anything for the opportunity to love this gift, this little miracle.
The future for our little girls still holds many unknowns. But one absolute "known" is that they will be loved completely, embraced fully and viewed as beautiful, magnificent treasures that God has created them to be. We have come to value every "delay", "disability", and "dysfunction" as a gift, part of the unique purpose God has for each and every human being. Having such especially special little girls has softened our hearts and changed our perspective and expectations. What the world declares they do not want, we have been most immeasurably blessed by. They are two of our greatest treasures here on Earth.
Lord, I know that you will give me the children that You have purposed just for our family. I ask that you will help me to desire not what the world declares "perfect", but what You, in Your great sovereignty, have declared perfect for our family. I embrace whomever you entrust to our care as a precious gift. I trust You, Lord, for You have turned a "worst nightmare" into my dream come true.
Spring!!
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| Oh how this little girl loves "her" Mr. Jerry. He is a wonderful, adoring next door neighbor whom she eagerly greets with hugs upon every encounter. Every once in awhile we will find her having wandered over to his front door to see if he's home for more hugs. |
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| Kaden taking his little sisters "on a walk" |
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| Kylee and I have been learning how to sew! The first thing we tried were ruffled aprons. We have put them to good use!! |
Friday, March 30, 2012
i have a boy who loves me
My son believes wholeheartedly that I can do no wrong. Though I've given him example after example to show him that is not the truth, he quickly takes the blame for any mishaps and declares my perfection. Seriously. How he is blinded to my many faulty steps I take before him is beyond me.
According to my Kaden...
... my food and cooking are the best that there is. He declares it upon every snack, meal and treat he consumes. "No one cooks as good as you, Mom!" To him it is a simple fact that cannot be debated - we've tried.
... I am the best mom in all the world. He tells me often how nice and kind and loving I am. He thanks me often for being his mom and states proudly, "I'm so glad that God made me your kid!"
... I am beautiful. He calls me lovely, beautiful, amazing. He smothers me with hugs and loves to cuddle with me. He greets me often with, "How is my lovely mother today?" And tells me frequently that I look beautiful.
... I am a hard, hard worker. It actually bothers him that I "have to" work so much and he gets to play so much. He is my most willing chore-doer and my most eager helper and my hardest worker. If this mama needs a job done, I know who to call!
... I get all the credit for his life. "Thank you so much for deciding to marry Daddy and no one else because I really like being alive!"
... my disappointment in him is earth shattering. As a kid who is quite impulsive in his words (saying things like "that's freakin' weird" to dinner guests and "what's up peeps?" to his friends, classmates and siblings) I do often have to express my disappointment in his word choices. He quickly tears up with remorse and authentically apologizes. And I had better respond quickly with hugs and words of love or else he'll think I've rejected his apology and no longer want him living in our home!!
... my whereabouts in another 10 years will determine where he will go to college. He wants to be close to me always, close enough to visit me often when he's in college. He also states that he will visit me when I'm old and in a wheel chair too. I will take it!
I undoubtedly treasure these moments... these fleeting, priceless words. I know it won't be long until his eyes are opened to my many faults, when I am the farthest thing from "perfect" in his world. Oh how I cherish today and this little boy who loves me.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
immeasurably more
We thought international adoption, God directed us to foster care. We followed.
We wondered, "is this our forever son?" God said, "No, not this one." He went home. We grieved.
We said, "Never again, this is too hard!" God said, "I am not finished." We said "yes" again.
We were told, "This one cannot be yours." God said, "She will be yours forever." We rejoiced.
We said, "Wonderful, we're complete!" God said, "There is more to come." We said "yes" again.
We thought one adoption would be perfect. God has said, "two". His ways are perfect.
"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine..." Ephesians 3:20
We wondered, "is this our forever son?" God said, "No, not this one." He went home. We grieved.
We said, "Never again, this is too hard!" God said, "I am not finished." We said "yes" again.
We were told, "This one cannot be yours." God said, "She will be yours forever." We rejoiced.
We said, "Wonderful, we're complete!" God said, "There is more to come." We said "yes" again.
We thought one adoption would be perfect. God has said, "two". His ways are perfect.
"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine..." Ephesians 3:20
Monday, March 5, 2012
snow fun
With 5 inches of freshly fallen snow on the ground and rumors of 50 degree days for the remainder of the week, I decided there was only one thing we must do: scoop the kids up from school and take all the kids sledding, before it was too late! It is quite common to go sledding multiple times every winter at the park near to our house, but with the mild winter we have had, not a single sledding trip had been had. So away we went! The little girls loved their first experience sledding the slopes, and even little "Elle" giggled her way down while on a pack on my back. A wonderful time was had by all, and I'm so grateful we were able to squeeze it in before the snow was melted for good!!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
joy
I have been given so many reasons to rejoice and praise Him, the giver of all good gifts.
My heart has been blown away by such joyous gifts as of late.
My heart has been blown away by such joyous gifts as of late.
incredible big siblings who take great delight in loving the "little girls"
makes my heart soar
3 big kids who are reading their Bibles daily on their own initiative, eager to know God's Word
How I praise Him for drawing them to Himself
How I praise Him for drawing them to Himself
A playful, loving, adoring and involved daddy who graciously and constantly gives of himself for his family
What an undeserved gift he is
Two little girls whose sweet giggles, babbles and interactions with one another melt my heart daily
He knew they needed each other
A gorgeous, uncharacteristically warm winter that allows much outdoor play time
thank you, Lord!!
Saturday, February 18, 2012
my longest labor
Our road to adopting our precious Carys was anything but easy. It was a roller coaster ride, for sure, full of upside down loops and sudden turns causing our hearts and heads to reel and spin. But, we made it. After 23 months of labor pains, she was birthed into our family and she took our name. She is forever ours, our beloved Carys Nicole.
On the anniversary of her "Gotcha Day" 2 years ago, I wanted to share her adoption story. Here it goes...
It was a cold February day and I was sledding with my 5 year old twin boys and building snow forts at a nearby park when my cell phone rang. There was a little baby girl, in need of love and care. Her parents cared much about her and wanted the chance to parent her, but they both had deficits that didn't allow them to be safe, nurturing parents. After her birth, this baby girl had endured 2 weeks of neglect that left her little body weak, malnourished, infected and she knew not how to cry. She had been admitted to the hospital for a week where she was nourished physically, but there was so much left to be restored in terms of attachment, security and trust.
I called my husband and our hearts soared with excitement. Just that very day, God had been at work on our hearts, preparing us for this very moment. After our first foster son of 18 months had been returned to his birth family, we felt his loss deeply and were trying to find our way through the grief. We felt for quite some time that we could not foster again, for it was too painful.
But God.
He was not finished with us yet. No, He still had a work to complete in our lives and it required our obedience. He reminded us that following Him is not about keeping ourselves safe and comfortable, but dying to self and loving the weak, lost and unlovable, no matter the cost. He was worth every wound to the heart we would gain in the process. There were no questions to be asked, no matter what the outcome would be, we knew that we needed to say yes to this little girl.
The next day, February 18th, the boys followed me through back hospital halls with security escort as we carried an empty infant carrier up to the 8th floor to retrieve that precious baby girl. The first time I laid eyes upon her, the nurse had walked into the room with Carys resting on her shoulder. "Oh my goodness!" I cried as she was placed in my arms. Tears came quickly as I recalled what this baby girl had already been through. I was overwhelmed with a deep desire to protect her with my life. In that moment, I loved her dearly. As we waited for the Dr. to arrive and give discharge instructions, I changed her out of the hospital gown into the "going home" outfit that we had picked out for her. As I did so, the boys examined this new baby girl. "She's so tiny, Mommy! That's what I'm going to call her - Tiny!" And so it was. The nickname stuck.
Many minutes later, we were out the door - just like that - with our new, precious little one. We scooped up Kylee from gymnastics where she was ecstatic to meet and show off the newest addition. Moments later I walked into Culvers with all 4 kids to meet daddy for dinner. It was there in a corner booth that he first got to lay eyes on the little baby girl that would become his daughter forever. "Oh my, Tee, she's perfect!" He said as he adored her little face and traced her tiny fingers.
For months I kept that sweet "Tiny" girl strapped to me in a sling, mindful to immediately meet her every whimper and teach her that that is what mommy's are supposed to do. Every night, Jim and I would retire to bed and set our alarm to awake us every 3 hours to scoop up and feed that sweet baby girl who went so long without being fed she knew not how to wake herself to eat. Every week we would visit the pediatrician and would all celebrate together as every single little ounce was added to her tiny frame. She was doing everything a baby should and we rejoiced.
One day, during one of the many social worker visits, the news was shared that there was a biological sibling in another state. According to the law, it is considered to be in the best interest of children to be kept with their siblings, so plans were made to eventually move this baby girl to a home and family in another state once the legal process had concluded. There had never been a guarantee that "Tiny" would be ours forever, but we had such a strong, secure bond with her from day one that such news rattled us. To think of having to hand her over to another devastated us. We clung to what God had reminded us of months prior... no matter the cost.
As the months continued to pass, our love grew ever deeper for the little girl that we were given the opportunity to love, cherish, nurture and care for. As any child would, she bonded to us tightly as her mommy, daddy and big siblings. Though there wasn't a thing we wouldn't do to make that a reality, the choice wasn't ours to make. The law was in place for a purpose and there wasn't a thing we could do to change it. So we waited throughout all the court proceedings and loved her as our very own, dreading the day when we would have to give her up.
One summer day, the social worker called to provide me with the name and email of the family who was already in the process of adopting our baby's biological sister - the family who was to receive "our" baby as their forever daughter. "You can write them at any time and start telling them about the baby!" She told me excitedly. If only she knew how it pained me. Suddenly, the good bye felt like much more of a reality.
With tears streaking my face and an ache in the depth of my heart that I cannot describe, I attempted numerous times to formulate an email to send to the family. It was so very hard for me to do. On an emotional and mental level, I was starting to hand over "my" baby and it felt like an impossible task. Eventually, a regular flow of emails were sent back and forth in regards to this precious baby girl. Not once was I able to write an email without tears and pain. Though I desperately wanted to follow my Father's will, doing so was no easy task.
Over the months that passed, there were some visits and many, many emails. With each court date and delay there was a sense of relief that "Tiny" was not yet leaving, but then a sadness because the inevitable was once again delayed. I selfishly wanted more time with her, but for her sake, we knew it was best for such a drastic transition to take place early in her little life rather than later. I think we have lost count of the number of times we tried to prepare to say good bye to our precious girl. There were so many nights that we'd lay in bed sobbing and holding each other, unable to speak, but with hearts united in grief.
The first thought that devastated us was trying to imagine physically handing over our beloved baby girl. It was an impossible task that we didn't have the strength to accomplish on our own. We would need to desperately rely on God's promise that "I can do all things through HIM who gives me strength". That would be the only way.
The other dreaded thought was the idea of our sweetheart awakening one morning with her entire world, as she knew it, gone. No more familiar faces, voices, smells, sounds and sights. The mommy and daddy who scooped her up every morning would no longer be there. The squeals from the big kids would not be greeting her. Everything around her would be new and different. Would she be scared and confused? Would she feel abandoned? Would she ever know how very, very much we longed to hold onto her for all of our lives?
We had an opportunity to "practice" such a situation over Christmas that year. Our family would be flying out to visit extended family over the break and would be so close to her "new family". Because their hopes had been dashed that she would be home with them already, Jim encouraged me to allow them to spend time with her over Christmas, while we would be traveling up and down the west coast visiting all of our family. I was selfish and it took awhile for me to agree, but I eventually caved. The family was so very excited, which did my heart good.
Those 2 weeks of separation were so very difficult as my arms ached for my baby. We were kept quite busy with family and friends, which was a good thing. I was so excited when the time was up and we were reunited. Our family hadn't felt complete without her in it, even though we were just months away from experiencing that as a reality. But, there was still time...
And time, seemingly, played in our favor. The bonds between our growing girl and our family ever strengthened and when we approached the court date at the end of May, the plans for her future started taking a turn. Sixteen months, it turns out, is a long time to live with a family and, we were told, we could hire an attorney and "fight" for our girl. Our hearts soared with such a possibility, but after much deliberation, many prayers and tears, we decided that we could not fight against the other family whom we had come to know and who were anxiously awaiting her arrival in their home. We would trust in the great sovereignty of our Father, and obey whatever path He chose for her, no matter the cost.
The final court date, just days after first hearing of the possibility, was emotionally charged. We knew the law - siblings should remain together. Within the week, she was supposed to be transferred, moved to a state so very far away. But, there we sat, the only mommy and daddy this little girl had known, overflowing with an undying, relentless love for her. The memories of our life with our girl flooded through my mind - how could we ever let her go?
Finally, parental rights were terminated - a sad, but necessary, decision. Then, her best interest needed to be determined. In the next few words, our lives would change forever. We trusted God's plan no matter what, but oh how desperately our hearts longed to never have to let go.
"The courts," the judge began, "are satisfied. It is in her best interest to remain with her foster family and be adopted by them." No longer would our 16 month old sweetheart be sent to another state to begin a new life with a new family... we were, against all odds, given the opportunity to be her family forever...and ever and ever.
There would be no good bye. There would be no "handing over" of our girl. She was staying!! We were astounded, overwhelmed, shocked and astonished... there are just not enough words to describe our response. Never before had we felt more in awe of God's incredible power over any and all earthly power. We thanked Him profusely for this gift we did not deserve. (We also had much contact with the other family and they have been ever so gracious with the outcome. A wonderful relationship has been established and we're committed to having the girls know each other as they grow).
When we shared the news with our kids that night, there was such rejoicing and praise! Hugs, tears, squeals, jumping, fist pumps - we were able to capture it all on camera and will treasure that moment always! Then came the very important question from Colson. "What is her name going to be? She can't be 'Tiny' forever, can she?" Oh my goodness... a name!!!
We always feel it is important to include the kids in such important matters, and they had some opinions!! Because we already had 2 "K" names in the family, my Colson really wanted his new sister to have a "C" name. We brainstormed and read through name lists. There was one name whose meaning stood out above all others... "to love". Oh how we loved this girl. Though I appreciated the other spellings of this name (with much less mispronunciations I'm sure!), this particular spelling held this special meaning. It also happened to begin with the "C" that Colson desired. So, it was decided, Carys she would become (think Paris with a C). Her birth mother's name, Nicole, became her middle name to value the very important role she had in giving this precious child life.
Within a week of hearing her new name used constantly, it became quite familiar to her. We were transferred to an adoption agency, assigned a new social worker and the adoption process began. There was so very much that needed to be done - physicals, references, home studies, back ground checks, finger printing, proof of insurance, mountains of paper work, training classes and very in depth interviews. It was long and tedious, but all very worth it. We did whatever we could to jump through each and every hoop as quickly as possible.
By December of 2011, we were told that we would most likely get a court date at the end of January or early February for the finalization of her adoption. We were blown away when we got a call on December 19th for a court date of December 29th!!!!! To add to the excitement, we would have Jim's family here already visiting and they would be able to be a part of this magnificent day!
When December 29th arrived, there was so much excitement in the air. The baby girl who came to us at 27 days old and who was always supposed to leave us, was becoming ours forever. Jim's family and many precious friends that God has blessed us with here in Wisconsin gathered around and celebrated with us. They filled the court room!! We were so grateful!!
The big kids were excited to have an opportunity to talk in the microphone and introduce themselves (full of giggles, of course) in court. Throughout the hearing, our little girl's name was pronounced "care-eez". When the judge verified the spelling of the name, I corrected the pronunciation and when he declared it again, Carys looked up in response and hollered, ""yes!" He asked her if she had anything to add and she grabbed the mic, and mumbled some incomprehensible statements loudly and with a smile. "I will take that to mean that you are in full agreement with this arrangement," the judge responded kindly. Orders were given with court seals administered, the gavel was brought down and just like that, little Carys Nicole was our forever little girl.
To God be the glory, great things He has done!!
On the anniversary of her "Gotcha Day" 2 years ago, I wanted to share her adoption story. Here it goes...
It was a cold February day and I was sledding with my 5 year old twin boys and building snow forts at a nearby park when my cell phone rang. There was a little baby girl, in need of love and care. Her parents cared much about her and wanted the chance to parent her, but they both had deficits that didn't allow them to be safe, nurturing parents. After her birth, this baby girl had endured 2 weeks of neglect that left her little body weak, malnourished, infected and she knew not how to cry. She had been admitted to the hospital for a week where she was nourished physically, but there was so much left to be restored in terms of attachment, security and trust.
I called my husband and our hearts soared with excitement. Just that very day, God had been at work on our hearts, preparing us for this very moment. After our first foster son of 18 months had been returned to his birth family, we felt his loss deeply and were trying to find our way through the grief. We felt for quite some time that we could not foster again, for it was too painful.
But God.
He was not finished with us yet. No, He still had a work to complete in our lives and it required our obedience. He reminded us that following Him is not about keeping ourselves safe and comfortable, but dying to self and loving the weak, lost and unlovable, no matter the cost. He was worth every wound to the heart we would gain in the process. There were no questions to be asked, no matter what the outcome would be, we knew that we needed to say yes to this little girl.
The next day, February 18th, the boys followed me through back hospital halls with security escort as we carried an empty infant carrier up to the 8th floor to retrieve that precious baby girl. The first time I laid eyes upon her, the nurse had walked into the room with Carys resting on her shoulder. "Oh my goodness!" I cried as she was placed in my arms. Tears came quickly as I recalled what this baby girl had already been through. I was overwhelmed with a deep desire to protect her with my life. In that moment, I loved her dearly. As we waited for the Dr. to arrive and give discharge instructions, I changed her out of the hospital gown into the "going home" outfit that we had picked out for her. As I did so, the boys examined this new baby girl. "She's so tiny, Mommy! That's what I'm going to call her - Tiny!" And so it was. The nickname stuck.
Many minutes later, we were out the door - just like that - with our new, precious little one. We scooped up Kylee from gymnastics where she was ecstatic to meet and show off the newest addition. Moments later I walked into Culvers with all 4 kids to meet daddy for dinner. It was there in a corner booth that he first got to lay eyes on the little baby girl that would become his daughter forever. "Oh my, Tee, she's perfect!" He said as he adored her little face and traced her tiny fingers.
For months I kept that sweet "Tiny" girl strapped to me in a sling, mindful to immediately meet her every whimper and teach her that that is what mommy's are supposed to do. Every night, Jim and I would retire to bed and set our alarm to awake us every 3 hours to scoop up and feed that sweet baby girl who went so long without being fed she knew not how to wake herself to eat. Every week we would visit the pediatrician and would all celebrate together as every single little ounce was added to her tiny frame. She was doing everything a baby should and we rejoiced.
One day, during one of the many social worker visits, the news was shared that there was a biological sibling in another state. According to the law, it is considered to be in the best interest of children to be kept with their siblings, so plans were made to eventually move this baby girl to a home and family in another state once the legal process had concluded. There had never been a guarantee that "Tiny" would be ours forever, but we had such a strong, secure bond with her from day one that such news rattled us. To think of having to hand her over to another devastated us. We clung to what God had reminded us of months prior... no matter the cost.
As the months continued to pass, our love grew ever deeper for the little girl that we were given the opportunity to love, cherish, nurture and care for. As any child would, she bonded to us tightly as her mommy, daddy and big siblings. Though there wasn't a thing we wouldn't do to make that a reality, the choice wasn't ours to make. The law was in place for a purpose and there wasn't a thing we could do to change it. So we waited throughout all the court proceedings and loved her as our very own, dreading the day when we would have to give her up.
One summer day, the social worker called to provide me with the name and email of the family who was already in the process of adopting our baby's biological sister - the family who was to receive "our" baby as their forever daughter. "You can write them at any time and start telling them about the baby!" She told me excitedly. If only she knew how it pained me. Suddenly, the good bye felt like much more of a reality.
With tears streaking my face and an ache in the depth of my heart that I cannot describe, I attempted numerous times to formulate an email to send to the family. It was so very hard for me to do. On an emotional and mental level, I was starting to hand over "my" baby and it felt like an impossible task. Eventually, a regular flow of emails were sent back and forth in regards to this precious baby girl. Not once was I able to write an email without tears and pain. Though I desperately wanted to follow my Father's will, doing so was no easy task.
Over the months that passed, there were some visits and many, many emails. With each court date and delay there was a sense of relief that "Tiny" was not yet leaving, but then a sadness because the inevitable was once again delayed. I selfishly wanted more time with her, but for her sake, we knew it was best for such a drastic transition to take place early in her little life rather than later. I think we have lost count of the number of times we tried to prepare to say good bye to our precious girl. There were so many nights that we'd lay in bed sobbing and holding each other, unable to speak, but with hearts united in grief.
The first thought that devastated us was trying to imagine physically handing over our beloved baby girl. It was an impossible task that we didn't have the strength to accomplish on our own. We would need to desperately rely on God's promise that "I can do all things through HIM who gives me strength". That would be the only way.
The other dreaded thought was the idea of our sweetheart awakening one morning with her entire world, as she knew it, gone. No more familiar faces, voices, smells, sounds and sights. The mommy and daddy who scooped her up every morning would no longer be there. The squeals from the big kids would not be greeting her. Everything around her would be new and different. Would she be scared and confused? Would she feel abandoned? Would she ever know how very, very much we longed to hold onto her for all of our lives?
We had an opportunity to "practice" such a situation over Christmas that year. Our family would be flying out to visit extended family over the break and would be so close to her "new family". Because their hopes had been dashed that she would be home with them already, Jim encouraged me to allow them to spend time with her over Christmas, while we would be traveling up and down the west coast visiting all of our family. I was selfish and it took awhile for me to agree, but I eventually caved. The family was so very excited, which did my heart good.
Those 2 weeks of separation were so very difficult as my arms ached for my baby. We were kept quite busy with family and friends, which was a good thing. I was so excited when the time was up and we were reunited. Our family hadn't felt complete without her in it, even though we were just months away from experiencing that as a reality. But, there was still time...
And time, seemingly, played in our favor. The bonds between our growing girl and our family ever strengthened and when we approached the court date at the end of May, the plans for her future started taking a turn. Sixteen months, it turns out, is a long time to live with a family and, we were told, we could hire an attorney and "fight" for our girl. Our hearts soared with such a possibility, but after much deliberation, many prayers and tears, we decided that we could not fight against the other family whom we had come to know and who were anxiously awaiting her arrival in their home. We would trust in the great sovereignty of our Father, and obey whatever path He chose for her, no matter the cost.
The final court date, just days after first hearing of the possibility, was emotionally charged. We knew the law - siblings should remain together. Within the week, she was supposed to be transferred, moved to a state so very far away. But, there we sat, the only mommy and daddy this little girl had known, overflowing with an undying, relentless love for her. The memories of our life with our girl flooded through my mind - how could we ever let her go?
Finally, parental rights were terminated - a sad, but necessary, decision. Then, her best interest needed to be determined. In the next few words, our lives would change forever. We trusted God's plan no matter what, but oh how desperately our hearts longed to never have to let go.
"The courts," the judge began, "are satisfied. It is in her best interest to remain with her foster family and be adopted by them." No longer would our 16 month old sweetheart be sent to another state to begin a new life with a new family... we were, against all odds, given the opportunity to be her family forever...and ever and ever.
There would be no good bye. There would be no "handing over" of our girl. She was staying!! We were astounded, overwhelmed, shocked and astonished... there are just not enough words to describe our response. Never before had we felt more in awe of God's incredible power over any and all earthly power. We thanked Him profusely for this gift we did not deserve. (We also had much contact with the other family and they have been ever so gracious with the outcome. A wonderful relationship has been established and we're committed to having the girls know each other as they grow).
When we shared the news with our kids that night, there was such rejoicing and praise! Hugs, tears, squeals, jumping, fist pumps - we were able to capture it all on camera and will treasure that moment always! Then came the very important question from Colson. "What is her name going to be? She can't be 'Tiny' forever, can she?" Oh my goodness... a name!!!
We always feel it is important to include the kids in such important matters, and they had some opinions!! Because we already had 2 "K" names in the family, my Colson really wanted his new sister to have a "C" name. We brainstormed and read through name lists. There was one name whose meaning stood out above all others... "to love". Oh how we loved this girl. Though I appreciated the other spellings of this name (with much less mispronunciations I'm sure!), this particular spelling held this special meaning. It also happened to begin with the "C" that Colson desired. So, it was decided, Carys she would become (think Paris with a C). Her birth mother's name, Nicole, became her middle name to value the very important role she had in giving this precious child life.
Within a week of hearing her new name used constantly, it became quite familiar to her. We were transferred to an adoption agency, assigned a new social worker and the adoption process began. There was so very much that needed to be done - physicals, references, home studies, back ground checks, finger printing, proof of insurance, mountains of paper work, training classes and very in depth interviews. It was long and tedious, but all very worth it. We did whatever we could to jump through each and every hoop as quickly as possible.
By December of 2011, we were told that we would most likely get a court date at the end of January or early February for the finalization of her adoption. We were blown away when we got a call on December 19th for a court date of December 29th!!!!! To add to the excitement, we would have Jim's family here already visiting and they would be able to be a part of this magnificent day!
When December 29th arrived, there was so much excitement in the air. The baby girl who came to us at 27 days old and who was always supposed to leave us, was becoming ours forever. Jim's family and many precious friends that God has blessed us with here in Wisconsin gathered around and celebrated with us. They filled the court room!! We were so grateful!!
The big kids were excited to have an opportunity to talk in the microphone and introduce themselves (full of giggles, of course) in court. Throughout the hearing, our little girl's name was pronounced "care-eez". When the judge verified the spelling of the name, I corrected the pronunciation and when he declared it again, Carys looked up in response and hollered, ""yes!" He asked her if she had anything to add and she grabbed the mic, and mumbled some incomprehensible statements loudly and with a smile. "I will take that to mean that you are in full agreement with this arrangement," the judge responded kindly. Orders were given with court seals administered, the gavel was brought down and just like that, little Carys Nicole was our forever little girl.
To God be the glory, great things He has done!!
Sunday, January 15, 2012
"mine"
I have called you by name, child you are mine.
Isaiah 43:1
Isaiah 43:1
I love my daughter with all my heart. But I won't pretend that it's always pretty and perfect. She is the definition of the "strong willed child." At almost 2 years old, she's outspoken, opinionated and will let all the world know if her desires have not been met... immediately. I have to say that in nearly 9 years of being a mommy, this is the first time I've dealt with flailing, tortuous tantrums on the floor, screams that cannot be quieted and fear of going out in public. At times, I have realized how very much I prefer the comfort of our home where correction and time outs can be followed through with predictability and where I can scoop up my screaming toddler (who refuses to be quieted or redirected) and allow her to finish her tantrum in her crib if need be.
Each and every day I have prayed for endurance and patience, but have still find myself often sighing heavily with frustration at the 50th tantrum of the day.
But it has been through this that God has reminded me of His great love for me. He says, "I have redeemed you, I have called you by name. Child, you are Mine!"
It's not when I'm well behaved and serving faithfully and smiling joyfully that He claims me, but in the depth of my selfishness and disgust, unworthy of His love that He says, "you are Mine."
When I'm frustrated and impatient... you are Mine.
When I'm arrogant and proud... you are Mine.
When I'm selfish and snippy.... you are Mine.
When I speak to my husband disrespectfully or raise my voice at my kids... you are Mine.
When I battle insecurity and feel I have nothing to offer... you are Mine.
When I take for granted the price that was paid for my life and salvation... you are Mine.
And when I look at my precious little girl, I want to have the same response. In the midst of her tantrums and screams and demands, when she throws her self onto the ground and wails away, when she screams "no!" and runs off in willful defiance, no matter how many times in a day...
... she is mine.
Each and every day I have prayed for endurance and patience, but have still find myself often sighing heavily with frustration at the 50th tantrum of the day.
But it has been through this that God has reminded me of His great love for me. He says, "I have redeemed you, I have called you by name. Child, you are Mine!"
It's not when I'm well behaved and serving faithfully and smiling joyfully that He claims me, but in the depth of my selfishness and disgust, unworthy of His love that He says, "you are Mine."
When I'm frustrated and impatient... you are Mine.
When I'm arrogant and proud... you are Mine.
When I'm selfish and snippy.... you are Mine.
When I speak to my husband disrespectfully or raise my voice at my kids... you are Mine.
When I battle insecurity and feel I have nothing to offer... you are Mine.
When I take for granted the price that was paid for my life and salvation... you are Mine.
And when I look at my precious little girl, I want to have the same response. In the midst of her tantrums and screams and demands, when she throws her self onto the ground and wails away, when she screams "no!" and runs off in willful defiance, no matter how many times in a day...
... she is mine.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
show-n-tell
It is impossible not to love our sweet little Elle. All who have met her have been drawn to her smiles, cuddles, giggles and gentle, content manner. She loves people and will flash her million dollar smile the moment we enter the room. Every member of our family, from daddy to toddler, is proud of our baby girl. It was no surprise when each of the boys asked if they could please bring her to show and tell to share with their classmates. She visited Colson's class first and he told them shyly about her and made her giggle for all to see (no one can do it like Colson!). When he was asked what 'foster care' was, he looked at me and allowed me to explain. But when a child stated, "so, she's not really your sister then, is she?" I was surprised when Colson adamantly declared, "Yes, she is!" Though I took no offense whatsoever to this child's innocent, honest question, my Colson was defensive of his very important role. Melt my heart.When Elle visited Kaden's class, it was another experience completely. He giddily held her while he sat criss-cross-applesauce in the circle. He jumped up excitedly during his turn and talked all about her and everything she could do. When a child again asked what foster care was, I expected to explain it as I had in Colson's class, but there was no need. Kaden went right on to explain, "Well, first you have to sign up. And then, you have to take a lot of tests. If you pass all the tests then they put you a list and they start calling you and we always say "yes!" and go pick up our baby girls in the hospital!" So very matter-of-fact. So very Kaden.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
2011 in review
With the new year having arrived, I see a lot of people choosing a "word of the year". I like the idea, but for me, it is easier to do so after the year is complete and I see how God has worked and moved in the lives of our family. Looking back through 2011, we will remember it as a year of "growth". Growth in numbers, growth in character, growth in faith, growth in leadership, growth in life experiences... we most certainly did some growing in 2011.
We started the year trying to prepare our hearts to say good bye to the beloved little girl that worked her way into each of our hearts after 12 months of living in our home. The idea of "handing her over" was more than we could bear and we shed tears often and tried to help our kids through the grief. It was a time when we were reminded that He is worthy of every sacrifice. We were to live for Him, no matter what the cost. We did our best to pray, "Not our will, but Yours, Lord..." but it was a daily struggle to submit to a plan that would break our hearts.
In the midst of the pain, we were also preparing for a little boy to join our family who was in need of a forever home. We faced some fears in regards to his condition, but God pulled us right through those, reminding us to be strong and courageous and not afraid, for He goes before us and He will be with us. If God placed this child in our care, He would equip us to meet his needs, however severe they might be. The baby nursery started taking on more of a boy look, though it continued to be our foster daughter's room while we awaited her court proceedings to conclude. On the day we learned the baby boy was born, we also learned that his mother had changed her mind and was going to try to parent him. We worked through some discouragement as our hopes and expectations of holding and loving this baby boy did not turn into reality, but we trusted in God's plan. Not until later would we know how God would use the story of this baby boy in the future of our family.
Before we knew it, the court proceedings for our foster daughter came to an end - with an unexpected and surprising ruling! Because of the time she spent in our care and the strong bond that existed, the courts determined that she should remain in our home and be adopted by our family! We had not gained the son that we were expecting, but we gained a daughter, against all odds! She is a gift we did not deserve, but we thank God every day that He chose us for her - our Carys Nicole whom we love passionately. She has grown into quite an opinionated and vivacious toddler who makes sure her voice is heard, as the youngest of 4. She also keeps us laughing and dancing as we go about our days. Her story will always remind us that God's power is above and beyond any earthly power - it is He who controls all things!!
In June, while still adjusting to the incredible news of our new daughter-to-be, we had yet another call for another precious little girl. It was the last thing on our minds at the time, but we could not say "no" to a vulnerable child waiting for a family to come and claim her. She struggled with the same life threatening issues as did the baby boy we had been expecting to join our family earler, and God had already done the work in our hearts to prepare us to say "yes". A part of our family she would become, for however long she would need us. She has brought such immeasurable joy to our home with her sweet cuddles and smiles. We celebrate every precious milestone she reaches all the more, as each one is a miracle in itself. Watching her grow has been such a celebratory journey. She is a priceless treasure, made in an amazing and wonderful way.
The boys grew in their roles as big brothers and took their job as "protectors" to their little sisters quite seriously. They can often be found growing their muscles by doing push ups and sit ups for their big new role. :) They also grew as little sports fans, learning names and numbers of the athletes of all professional sports teams and grew in their basketball, football and baseball skills as they played and practiced each sport throughout the year. No matter the weather, the boys can often be found in the back yard donning Packers or Brewers attire and playing hard!! The boys have also become great little readers and love to practice their new ability on their little sisters. We love it! They also grew into a much more loud and rambunctious stage of boyhood, which we hear is completely normal... but with the 2 of them to play off of one another... let's just say we grew a few more wrinkles and gray hairs this year.
God grew our sweet Ky's character through her first gymnastics injury and set back. We hope that the lessons she learned through her experience will carry her through life as she looks back and remembers that God can be trusted in all things and that His plans and purposes for our lives are greater than anything we could imagine. Though she has found her little brothers to be, at times, a little annoying (can't say we blame her - isn't that how little brothers are supposed to be?!) she has loved having the little girls in our home and loves to care for them and love on them. She is maturing into such a beautiful young lady. Her kindness and tender, gentle and gracious ways leave me wanting to be more like her.
Jim and I were able to do some growing of our own, adjusting to our role as parents of 5 as the biggest! We each also took on new leadership positions in our church. Jim's opportunity to travel to Togo this past summer helped grow him in many wonderful ways, including a reignited passion to lead our family in ways that have eternal value. It can be so challenging to be "in the world, but not of it" and I am so grateful for his leadership of our family.
We also celebrated our first decade of marriage together this year and remembered with tears of joy as well as pain the journey that God has brought us through in those 10 years. Through every challenge and triumph, He has always been there. I absolutely adore the man God gave me for life. One of my most favorite things to do these days is to find his gaze amidst the chaos and noise that frequents our home... and smile. No matter the frustrations of the moment, the clamor that diminishes our ability to hear one another in the same room, the spills and messes that surround us, the exhaustion we feel at the end of nearly every day, we know how very blessed we are. We are so grateful for the love, the life and the family God has trusted us with.
We started the year trying to prepare our hearts to say good bye to the beloved little girl that worked her way into each of our hearts after 12 months of living in our home. The idea of "handing her over" was more than we could bear and we shed tears often and tried to help our kids through the grief. It was a time when we were reminded that He is worthy of every sacrifice. We were to live for Him, no matter what the cost. We did our best to pray, "Not our will, but Yours, Lord..." but it was a daily struggle to submit to a plan that would break our hearts.
In the midst of the pain, we were also preparing for a little boy to join our family who was in need of a forever home. We faced some fears in regards to his condition, but God pulled us right through those, reminding us to be strong and courageous and not afraid, for He goes before us and He will be with us. If God placed this child in our care, He would equip us to meet his needs, however severe they might be. The baby nursery started taking on more of a boy look, though it continued to be our foster daughter's room while we awaited her court proceedings to conclude. On the day we learned the baby boy was born, we also learned that his mother had changed her mind and was going to try to parent him. We worked through some discouragement as our hopes and expectations of holding and loving this baby boy did not turn into reality, but we trusted in God's plan. Not until later would we know how God would use the story of this baby boy in the future of our family.
Before we knew it, the court proceedings for our foster daughter came to an end - with an unexpected and surprising ruling! Because of the time she spent in our care and the strong bond that existed, the courts determined that she should remain in our home and be adopted by our family! We had not gained the son that we were expecting, but we gained a daughter, against all odds! She is a gift we did not deserve, but we thank God every day that He chose us for her - our Carys Nicole whom we love passionately. She has grown into quite an opinionated and vivacious toddler who makes sure her voice is heard, as the youngest of 4. She also keeps us laughing and dancing as we go about our days. Her story will always remind us that God's power is above and beyond any earthly power - it is He who controls all things!!
In June, while still adjusting to the incredible news of our new daughter-to-be, we had yet another call for another precious little girl. It was the last thing on our minds at the time, but we could not say "no" to a vulnerable child waiting for a family to come and claim her. She struggled with the same life threatening issues as did the baby boy we had been expecting to join our family earler, and God had already done the work in our hearts to prepare us to say "yes". A part of our family she would become, for however long she would need us. She has brought such immeasurable joy to our home with her sweet cuddles and smiles. We celebrate every precious milestone she reaches all the more, as each one is a miracle in itself. Watching her grow has been such a celebratory journey. She is a priceless treasure, made in an amazing and wonderful way.
The boys grew in their roles as big brothers and took their job as "protectors" to their little sisters quite seriously. They can often be found growing their muscles by doing push ups and sit ups for their big new role. :) They also grew as little sports fans, learning names and numbers of the athletes of all professional sports teams and grew in their basketball, football and baseball skills as they played and practiced each sport throughout the year. No matter the weather, the boys can often be found in the back yard donning Packers or Brewers attire and playing hard!! The boys have also become great little readers and love to practice their new ability on their little sisters. We love it! They also grew into a much more loud and rambunctious stage of boyhood, which we hear is completely normal... but with the 2 of them to play off of one another... let's just say we grew a few more wrinkles and gray hairs this year.
God grew our sweet Ky's character through her first gymnastics injury and set back. We hope that the lessons she learned through her experience will carry her through life as she looks back and remembers that God can be trusted in all things and that His plans and purposes for our lives are greater than anything we could imagine. Though she has found her little brothers to be, at times, a little annoying (can't say we blame her - isn't that how little brothers are supposed to be?!) she has loved having the little girls in our home and loves to care for them and love on them. She is maturing into such a beautiful young lady. Her kindness and tender, gentle and gracious ways leave me wanting to be more like her.
Jim and I were able to do some growing of our own, adjusting to our role as parents of 5 as the biggest! We each also took on new leadership positions in our church. Jim's opportunity to travel to Togo this past summer helped grow him in many wonderful ways, including a reignited passion to lead our family in ways that have eternal value. It can be so challenging to be "in the world, but not of it" and I am so grateful for his leadership of our family.
We also celebrated our first decade of marriage together this year and remembered with tears of joy as well as pain the journey that God has brought us through in those 10 years. Through every challenge and triumph, He has always been there. I absolutely adore the man God gave me for life. One of my most favorite things to do these days is to find his gaze amidst the chaos and noise that frequents our home... and smile. No matter the frustrations of the moment, the clamor that diminishes our ability to hear one another in the same room, the spills and messes that surround us, the exhaustion we feel at the end of nearly every day, we know how very blessed we are. We are so grateful for the love, the life and the family God has trusted us with.
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