halloween fun

four sweet, excited kids

an army man, black cat, lady bug, batman

one adorable little bug-a-boo

two little girls who love each other dearly

3 big kids eager to visit the "grandmas and grandpas"

a baby who is very attached to daddy

Kaden, Colson and Kylee original designs

a boy so excited for trick-or-treaters that he waited outside!

These are some fun times!!

the color hunt

I'm a nature lovin' girl. I grew up loving the outdoors (how can you not in Oregon??), and to this day, still do. I grew up camping, hiking and back packing and though we have to alter the intensity a bit, we like to engage our kids in similar activities. We are excited that they have come to love nature as much as we do and can appreciate the beauty that our Creator has given us to enjoy. For us, fall has got to be the best time of year to explore, enjoy and celebrate the outdoors. One cloudy day, the kids and I decided to go on a walk and hunt for color. The kids wanted to see if they could find all the colors of the rainbow. I had the pleasure of enjoying their contagious excitement as well as capturing "color" on camera. It was so much fun!!

Way to go, kiddos! You did it!!

heart issues

with my baby Kylee, 2003

If the quote above is true, it would explain why I react the way I do to Kylee's competitions. They are not at all about me, yet starting even days prior, my stomach ties itself into knots. The day of a competition, my heart pounds rapidly within my chest. And while she competes, I can barely breathe. There my little girl stands with her head held high, shoulders back. The judges, looking so serious and stern with their crisp navy suits and straight faces, raise their hand to signal her to start. In response, she salutes them and begins. I have each routine memorized and know the places where she is solid and where she struggles. I hope with all my heart that she will "hit" each skill as I know she can, but also know that she might stumble... and the judges are watching intently, taking notes on every single knee bend and pointed toe. The pressure is almost too much to bear as I watch my baby girl perform to the best of her ability under such scrutiny. As she finishes each event, I finally breathe again and plaster a smile on my face so that she knows I'm proud of her, regardless of how she performed. We then wait anxiously for the scores to be posted. Sometimes we understand them, sometimes we don't. Of course, we want her to do well, and it's great when she does... but, truly, eternally, we know the scores hold no value. They are simply a subjective reflection of the judge's opinion of her gymnastic performance at that moment. They may or may not get her a trophy, but in the end, we love her just as passionately regardless... maybe even more so when she struggles because our hearts hurt for her. As each meet ends, there is such relief. Though I do nothing but sit and cheer, I feel as though I have run a marathon, with adrenaline pumping through my veins. I love the moment when I get to hug my girl and reunite my heart with my body. Yes, that is my favorite moment of the entire competition.

Here's a snippet of Kylee's latest competition.
Here goes my heart...

finality

Today was a day when I asked myself why. Why, on earth, do we do this?

Tiny's social worker came for a visit and in the midst of our discussion came words that changed the course of her life with us forever. "We got the order for interstate placement. With the trial date set, we can move her to ***** to be with her birth sister and adoptive family."

That means less than 2 months with our baby girl.

With tears brimming in my eyes and spilling out onto my cheeks and a quivering chin, I asked, "So that's it? It is final then? She will be leaving us for certain?" Of course, we knew it would most likely come to that. Foster care is supposed to be a transitory arrangement... but for some reason with this sweet little honey bear what we knew in our heads wouldn't transfer to our hearts, even though we tried. We couldn't give up hope that somehow, someway she would never have to leave. We've fallen so hard for her. The finality of it all felt so shocking.

"But you know this, dear, right?" Tiny's social worker asked tenderly with tears forming in her own eyes watching me struggle with my emotions while holding tightly to my precious Tiny.

"Yes, of course, I ... I just have to hear you say it." I broke down a little...OK, maybe a lot. She hugged me, told me she wished she could change the law and keep Tiny in our family forever and then offered us grief counseling, which is provided for families who are called to this ministry of loving wholeheartedly and letting go.

As she departed, the tears flowed freely and I was tempted to ask "Why, oh Lord, do we do this?"

And I was reminded of my own little girl's words, spoken after our good bye to Adrian, "Mommy, we have to, these kids need us!"

And I was reminded of these words, written by Christie Erwin:

"It’s a great question. Why do we do this? The reality is very complex, but the answer is simple: Persistent Passion. We, who are called to foster, are not satisfied with the status quo. We are not willing to sit back and watch as children suffer abuse and neglect, or worse yet, to ignore that abuse and neglect even exist. We are determined that on our watch, children will be given the chance they deserve to be loved, nurtured, valued and cherished. We believe in a heavenly Father who can pick us up where we are and use us in spite of our frailties. We are undaunted by a system that is broken and by people within that system who don’t believe it, or the children in it, can be rehabilitated. We stand on the command that ‘true religion that God the Father accepts is to look after widows and orphans in their distress..’ We may falter, we may grieve, we may get angry and exhausted, but we will not be moved. Persistent passion…it’s what keeps me going when I don’t want to, when the grief or the sacrifice is too much to bear, when I can’t answer the question ‘why?’ and no one seems to understand.

Persistent Passion…relentless, lasting, steady. Foster children deserve nothing less."

I know she's right. God has put that passion in our hearts to care for these babies and we wouldn't be satisfied if we were not obedient to His leading. In His great sovereignty, I know I can trust Him in the deepest valley and darkest night. The days ahead will be hard, but He will never leave us nor forsake us. How grateful we are that Tiny has been a part of our lives. What immeasurable joy she has brought to us.

the best medicine

A joyful heart is the best medicine.... Proverbs 17:22

Yesterday, while my son received a plethora of medication throughout the day for medical issues, I was the one who received the best medicine of all. I was with my Kaden. And when I am with Kaden, I laugh. He has this way about him, making things light and humorous when the mood around might be otherwise. So, despite the ups and downs of the day, my heart was filled with joy and laughter from my son's words, attitude and antics.

As we departed for Kaden's ear surgery before the sun even dared to rise, Colson and Kylee were sobbing tears of sorrow and fear. Colson wanted to go with his brother and be there for him. He wasn't sure about going to kindergarten alone either. Kylee was afraid for his surgery and thought she might miss me too much. Kaden took in the scene and declared, "Hey guys, now don't worry. I'll just have Mom call you and tell you if I died or not, OK?" Giggles erupted from all.

Kaden and I drove off in the dark and as we passed his elementary school he declared, "Good bye, Dixon! Have a great day without me! I might even miss you, but I'll be back tomorrow!" A few moments later, he thought that he'd better call to make sure his brother and sister were no longer sad. "Hey, Dad, we're driving straight along to my surgery. How's my brother? Is he still sad? Well, would you pass him the phone, then?" (slight pause) "Hey, Colson! Don't be sad for me, alright? I'm gonna have a great day!" (another pause) "Oh, that's sweet. I love you too, brother. Is Kylee there? Could you pass the phone to her so that I can make sure she's alright? Thanks." (another pause) "Hey, Ky! You're not still crying, are you? Well, I'm sending lots of hearts to you, then... know why? 'Cuz hearts stand for love. L...O...V...E... LOVE. There you go, I sent you all my love! Now, do you want to hear a joke?" On and on he went, trying to make his big sis laugh with ludicrous knock-knock jokes that made absolutely no sense. My heart was full and smiling. The love between siblings has got to be one of the most beautiful, sweetest things for a mama to see.

Kaden had fun with the nurses and made them laugh with his enthusiasm and humor. When he received medication to make him sleepy before anesthesia, he declared with a sparkle in his eye, "You can try, but you can't make me go to sleep! I'm gonna stay awake and watch you!" Within minutes, my boy was drowsy and drooling in my arms. I don't even think he was aware that I laid him on the stretcher, kissed him and whispered 'I love you' as they whisked him away.

However, when I was allowed to join him in recovery, he was at it again. "Mom, this is crazy!" he started, while sucking away at a popsicle. "They said they put tubes in my ears and I told them it was impossible!! I don't remember a thing. Nope, they can't make me leave until they put those tubes in!" He enjoyed a couple more popsicles as we waited, not totally convinced that the surgery even happened. But, even so, when he was well enough, we were escorted to our car, blankie and teddy in tow. He called Daddy. "Hi Dad! Well, I'm alive. Yep, I didn't die. So, I guess I'll see you in a little bit then!"

As we got home I expected my little man to rest for awhile but, instead, he ran upstairs and came back down all decked out in basketball gear. "I'm gonna play a game, Mom. You gonna come out and watch me?" I had fun cheering him on for some time before GI issues that had been problematic for Kaden all week started to interfere with the game.

Once again, we were off to his pediatrician and my dear one kept the doctor and nurses both laughing and on their toes during the testing, X rays and assessments. It was determined that some dietary changes and short term use of medications would help his problem for the time being, and further treatment could be discussed at a follow up appointment, if the problem ensued.

While we were in the store purchasing his medicine, Kaden caused many heads to turn as he studied the box of an enema that I had added to our basket, "What in the world is going on!?!?! Why are their naked people laying down and why are they putting that THERE?????" I wished with all my might that Kaden knew how to speak in a soft whisper. I had no idea that the box had pictures on it to aid in proper usage. I tried to quiet my son, but he was baffled and couldn't stop asking about it as I tried to hurry through the store. "So, you're gonna put that thing in my bottom? That's crazy! Are you sure you're supposed to, Mom? Are you sure you know how?" On and on he went. I stopped being embarrassed and just laughed at my son and all the attention he was drawing to himself.

Once we rounded up the other kids, Kaden had to tell them about the most important part of his day. "Guess what, guys? Mom has an appointment with my bottom tonight! Can you believe it?!"

My goodness, Kaden. You sure have a way about you. Thank you for choosing to infuse laughter and entertainment into everything you do and say. You bless my life immensely. I can't wait to see what the Lord has for you.

change

Change is announcing itself loud and clear all around. There are beautiful, bright leaves in the branches high above, the days are growing cooler and shorter, and my home is unusually still and quiet between the hours of 8:30am and 4pm. Normally, I can't wait for fall to arrive and I eagerly embrace all there is to enjoy!! We have already relished in pumpkins and apples, candy corn and caramel corn, walks in the wind, rain and crunchy leaves, trips to the pumpkin patch and endless baking. Cinnamon candles have been burning and the tea kettle has been whistling away.

However, I have sensed a new and unfamiliar emotion settling in as I notice the signs of change around me... sadness. Because of our good bye to our boy last October 10th, these autumn days have reminded me of him. Oh, how we miss him. With the upcoming anniversary of his departure, I've been reflecting on our time with him, as well as reliving some of those emotions of relinquishing him home. We lived a lot of life between this:

And this:

In addition, at the end of these gorgeous fall days, we are preparing for yet another torturous goodbye to a sweet, little treasure that we couldn't possibly love any more than we do.



She has settled herself quite nicely into our lives and uprooting her will be devastating for all. We know that such transitions are to be expected in the world of foster care, but "knowing" doesn't remove the desperate pain of loss we will experience in saying good bye to our little girl. We won't allow the heartbreak to keep us from caring for these little ones as God has equipped us to do, but we will allow ourselves time to grieve and to heal.

And, of course, there's this big "change" that I'm still trying to adjust to - all my kids in school. I suppose I'm getting used to our routine, but I cannot seem to accept the fact that the years of my kids being home full time are over. I miss our times together ever so much. So, what do I do? I show up at school just about as often as I can - for lunch, for recess, as a room parent, to volunteer, to drop off forgotten lunches or library books, etc. I just can't stay away! The teachers know me quite well already, and so far, I don't seem to be bothering them too much. :O) We shall see...

Although all this change has made me feel a bit heartsick this fall, I also have opportunities to grow through all these changes. I am able to abide in the One who loves me and comforts me, as well as reflect upon His will and purposes for this new season in my life.

There is a time for everything...
a season for every activity under heaven...
a time to plant and a time to uproot...
a time to tear down and a time to build...
a time to weep and a time to laugh...
a time to mourn and a time to dance...
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them...
a time to embrace and a time to refrain...
a time to search and a time to give up...
a time to keep and a time to throw away...
a time to tear and a time to mend...
a time to be silent and a time to speak...

Ecclesiastes 3:1-7