finality

Today was a day when I asked myself why. Why, on earth, do we do this?

Tiny's social worker came for a visit and in the midst of our discussion came words that changed the course of her life with us forever. "We got the order for interstate placement. With the trial date set, we can move her to ***** to be with her birth sister and adoptive family."

That means less than 2 months with our baby girl.

With tears brimming in my eyes and spilling out onto my cheeks and a quivering chin, I asked, "So that's it? It is final then? She will be leaving us for certain?" Of course, we knew it would most likely come to that. Foster care is supposed to be a transitory arrangement... but for some reason with this sweet little honey bear what we knew in our heads wouldn't transfer to our hearts, even though we tried. We couldn't give up hope that somehow, someway she would never have to leave. We've fallen so hard for her. The finality of it all felt so shocking.

"But you know this, dear, right?" Tiny's social worker asked tenderly with tears forming in her own eyes watching me struggle with my emotions while holding tightly to my precious Tiny.

"Yes, of course, I ... I just have to hear you say it." I broke down a little...OK, maybe a lot. She hugged me, told me she wished she could change the law and keep Tiny in our family forever and then offered us grief counseling, which is provided for families who are called to this ministry of loving wholeheartedly and letting go.

As she departed, the tears flowed freely and I was tempted to ask "Why, oh Lord, do we do this?"

And I was reminded of my own little girl's words, spoken after our good bye to Adrian, "Mommy, we have to, these kids need us!"

And I was reminded of these words, written by Christie Erwin:

"It’s a great question. Why do we do this? The reality is very complex, but the answer is simple: Persistent Passion. We, who are called to foster, are not satisfied with the status quo. We are not willing to sit back and watch as children suffer abuse and neglect, or worse yet, to ignore that abuse and neglect even exist. We are determined that on our watch, children will be given the chance they deserve to be loved, nurtured, valued and cherished. We believe in a heavenly Father who can pick us up where we are and use us in spite of our frailties. We are undaunted by a system that is broken and by people within that system who don’t believe it, or the children in it, can be rehabilitated. We stand on the command that ‘true religion that God the Father accepts is to look after widows and orphans in their distress..’ We may falter, we may grieve, we may get angry and exhausted, but we will not be moved. Persistent passion…it’s what keeps me going when I don’t want to, when the grief or the sacrifice is too much to bear, when I can’t answer the question ‘why?’ and no one seems to understand.

Persistent Passion…relentless, lasting, steady. Foster children deserve nothing less."

I know she's right. God has put that passion in our hearts to care for these babies and we wouldn't be satisfied if we were not obedient to His leading. In His great sovereignty, I know I can trust Him in the deepest valley and darkest night. The days ahead will be hard, but He will never leave us nor forsake us. How grateful we are that Tiny has been a part of our lives. What immeasurable joy she has brought to us.