blessed are the pure in heart

Our family had amazing opportunities in the past week to be blessed by 2 different ministries in our community. Last weekend we spent an evening with residents from Shepherds Ministries. I can't even begin to describe all that this ministry does, but it is a large campus that cares for, educates and empowers individuals with all levels of developmental delays. They were celebrating their 50 year anniversary, and a large group from our church drove down to relieve the workers of their duties so that they could enjoy a celebration banquet together. The men and women were divided to provide care for same gender residents, so Kylee, baby and I went with our friends Carrie and Allison to care for the college girls, while Jim and the boys went off to a cottage to care for middle aged men.

Not knowing what to expect, I was filled with some trepidation as we were led to the community room where we'd spend 4 hours supervising the college girls. As we met each of the girls, had conversations with them and watched them interact with our children, I started to realize how blessed we were to be there with these 3 young women. Despite their developmental delays, these girls were quite functional and were able to live vibrantly, laugh uncontrollably and love each other unconditionally... more so than I feel capable of doing at times. All the "what ifs" and "should haves" that I contemplate in my day to day life didn't seem to affect them. And somehow, they were able to live beyond the people pleasing temptations that I feel tormented by. They were completely confident and secure in who they were, no matter how they measured up to the rest of the world. Such a purity that is so often unseen. God used these young women in my life. I was inspired.

On Thursday night, we were invited to an anniversary banquet of Hope Street Ministry, which is another incredible ministry that provides shelter, rehabilitation and education for individuals who suffer from drug and alcohol addictions. We heard amazing testimonies from some of the residents that just bring you to tears... men and women completely controlled by their addictions, full of despair and desperation, who were totally transformed by the knowledge that there is Someone who cares deeply for them, Someone who rescued them. Each of these individuals had felt worthless, hopeless, helpless and then were introduced to Christ and felt worth, hope and life. Their love and gratitude for Him just radiated from their faces as they sang praises such as this:

Who am I that you are mindful of me,
That you hear me when I call?
Is it true that you are thinking of me?
How you love me,
It's amazing!

With true authenticity and a purity of faith that seems rare these days, these beloved people had no problem raising their hands in praise while tears of deep rooted gratitude rolled down their cheeks. I, too, was so moved to tears - tears of joy because it was amazing to witness and tears of sorrow because I realized how I far too often take for granted the amazing sacrifice Christ has made for me. Once again, I was so inspired, challenged and encouraged by these incredible individuals.

Social worker visit number ????

You'd think I'd get used to the visits from social workers since we started the foster care process. But I don't. I don't know if I ever will! After so many years of being a mommy without having anyone come into my home to assess my abilities, discipline methods or safety standards, it feels sorta strange to have such visits, in order to ensure a continued safe and healthy home for our sweet baby boy.

So, when I got the call 2 days ago that another visit was in order for this week, I quickly rearranged my schedule to squeeze in a visit for today. I had an hour between dropping Ky off at school and the scheduled visit and I surveyed the home front. I love a neat home, so immediately I jump into cleaning mode and pick up as many legos, race cars, books and baby toys as possible in a matter of moments. After I've dropped each off in their place in the basement (where all 3 boys are playing wonderfully!!) I return upstairs and think, "It looks much too sterile! It probably looks better if I have some toys up here after all, because I certainly won't be hanging out in the basement with the social worker where all the toys have now gone!" I head back downstairs and select a few "nice looking" toys and arrange them. But then, I feel it looks too staged. But, perhaps it goes along with the nice scented candles and piano music I have playing in the background. Oh my. :) What is a home supposed to look like where great care of an infant is being provided?

If it's clean and tidy does it look fake and posed, or does it look like I am a woman who has my home under wonderful control (like that will ever happen!). If I leave the dishes in the sink, crumbs on the floor and toys scattered about, does it look like a happy, lived in home, or do I look like a slob? Should I answer the door with the baby in my arms, or leave him playing happily as he is downstairs... or would she consider that irresponsible since my supervision of him is intermittent? What to do. He starts to cry, so I go and retrieve him and hold him in my arms as we head back up the basement stairs. He has been battling a cold all week, and just as the doorbell rings, he lets out a huge sneeze, and (beware, mommy talk) long strings of snot are hanging from his nostrils and running down his face. Not exactly the impression I wanted to have as I opened the door! I smile and hear the social worker remark, "Oh my! Someone has a runny nose!" That was an understatement. I was ready for her to ask the baby, "isn't anyone taking care of you?" But she was polite and refrains. I run to the bathroom to grab a tissue for his nose.

I laughed at myself for wanting to create just the "right" environment for the meeting and then, with real life breaking through my facade, answering the door with a sneezing, snotty baby boy. What I sight. What reality. I am humbled, once again, by my little ones!!

Only Sophie

Colson has fallen in love. It all started back in April when we attended a wedding. I asked the kids how they enjoyed their time and Cole stated his favorite part was Sophie. He thought she was beautiful and pretty amazing and decided at that point that he was going to marry her. Now Colson is one focused little guy, so his devotion to Sophie has not wavered. At one point we had Sophie and her big brother over to play and Colson came with me to buy treats for our time with them. "We must buy pink cupcakes," he stated, "because I fink Sophie likes pink!" We bought the pink cupcakes. "I fink we should buy her a wedding dress wif pink too, Mommy!" He loves to plan ahead! We did not buy a pink wedding dress, but we still enjoyed our time with Sophie and her family. Cole sat as close to her as he could.

During our meal times, I often ask the kids to name one thing that they are particularly thankful to God for in their lives. Colson doesn't have to think twice, "Only Sophie," he states so matter-of-fact. He's already planned for them to be married at 16, to live in Oregon and to have 4 children. I've explained to him that he must first ask Sophie's daddy if he would allow Cole to marry her. The very next time we saw Mr. Lohnes, Colson went right up to him. But instead of asking, he stated, "Mr. Lohnes, I'm going to marry Sophie!"

He has been most disappointed that her birthday came before his and took her out of the 3's room, where they first found love. However, Colson makes sure that he finds her every Wednesday night at AWANA Cubbies and gives her a huge hug.

Last Sunday morning as the boys were eating breakfast, they were having a hard time being kind. I reminded them that our family is where we learn to love and if we can't love one another then we can't learn to go out and love others. Kaden suddenly piped up with something I never expected to hear my 3 year old son say, "Yeah, Colson, then you wouldn't get to take Sophie on a date!"

This was obviously something Colson has thought a lot about because he immediately responded, "Yes I will! Cuz we're gonna go bowling, and I fink we're both gonna get a strike and Sophie will say, 'Yeah! Yeah, Cole!' Then my gonna take her fishing on a boat to catch lots of fish too!"

A bit later at church, Colson came out of his classroom holding this drawing and stating, "This is me and Sophie on a date! Where is she? My gotta go find her and give this to her!"

We searched the children's wing to no avail and Cole walked to the car with his head hanging low. "It's alright, Bud, maybe you can call her later and tell her about your picture," I tried to comfort. After naps, Cole had not forgotten my suggestion! "Can I call Sophie now?" He asked as soon as he rolled out of bed. Call her he did, and there were lots of giggles to be heard. For now, there is just one lady who has captured his attention. I look forward to seeing how long it will be, "Only Sophie!"

Life Lesson from my Little one

During a weekend walk to the park, Kaden ran up to me with his hands behind his back and said excitedly, "Mommy, I have a surprise for you!" He then pulled out this half bug-eaten leaf and presented it to me as though it were the most beautiful rose. I said thank you and hugged him before he ran off to find new treasures. As I placed the leaf atop the baby stroller I gazed at it thoughtfully. 'Is this what he thinks of me as his mom?' I dared to ask myself. I continued to describe the leaf with as many words as I could think of, 'worn, rugged, imperfect, full of voids, damaged, eroded, haggard, impaired, spent, weak, blemished.' Well, if that was what my little boy was thinking when he picked the leaf for me, then I would have to say he would be right on...especially after the past week. It had been a rough week with Kaden having multiple melt down issues and my patience had worn much too thin on numerous occasions. My many imperfections came forward, rearing their ugly head, and my mothering, I am sure, probably did not look much different than this down trodden leaf.

Now, even though I know my Kaden was not thinking such things as he picked the surprise for me (kids are so forgiving!!) it remains a visual reminder to me of the kind of worn out, rugged Mommy I don't want to be for my kids. Thankfully, God's grace is sufficient! He continues to not only encourage and comfort me, but to give me the strength needed when I'm about to have a melt down of my own.

Enjoying the outdoors

With the summer humidity lifted, it has been wonderful to be outdoors to enjoy the cooler, crisper, slightly breezier fresh air!! We simply cannot get enough!

One Sunday afternoon we took the kids to the driving range for the first time.
They loved it! Kaden, staying true to his personality, just whacked away any which way. Colson, also in character, was careful and meticulous as he swung the club. Kylee, truly an independent firstborn, stated, "I already know how to do this!" Oh my!


Jimmy helping Cole with his swing


I believe my adventurous Kylee favors inclement weather over "nice" weather. She must get that from me! She loves to drive with the windows down, especially when the skies are dark with clouds and the wind is howling. Also, any time it rains, she asks to go outside and go on a rain walk. The boys love to join in and splash in the mud puddles. It's so fun!



Another favorite fall activity for the boys and I (while Ky's at school) is taking walks together. I pack the baby in the infant carrier and the boys usually hop on their bikes and ride along. We are thoroughly enjoying the changing colors and falling leaves that surround us!!

Cole "raking" the leaves with a pine branch.

Colson the tree-hugger

Kaden the leaf piler


My biker boys

Cole's picture of the backyard

a flood of memories

Goodness. This morning Colson asked me if we could watch the Baby Praise DVD as the boys played in the family room. Innocent enough. As soon as the soft and gentle praise music filled the air, sung by sweet voices of children, I was overcome by memories of a few years past, when the songs of this particular DVD filled the rooms of our first little brick house on an almost constant basis.

During that time in my life, I was "mommy" to a one and a half year old little girl, and premature, newborn twin boys. My entire sleep deprived existence seemed to center around bottles and diapers. I was rarely seen in anything but sweats, could go days without a shower, and my hair seemed as though it would be stuck forever in a ponytail. We were brand new to the area and barely knew a single soul. It was also our first frigid Midwestern winter. My days were long and hard and lonely. Cries from one little one or another could often be heard in our home as I scurried about trying to meet all their needs, sometimes with exhausted tears rolling down my own cheeks. Between trying to stay warm and trying to stay awake, I became addicted to coffee. I can remember one early morning, before even the sun dared to awaken, I filled a baby bottle with coffee to feed my infant son. Fortunately, it was a mistake I quickly discovered, but it remains a poignant reminder of the constant fatigue during that phase of my life.

At that time, when my mother-in-law blessed us with the gift of the Baby Praise DVD, I thought it was a kind gesture. I never knew it would become such a life giving, soul enriching tool in my life. I have always been so inspired by worship music and have found that worshipping, as well as being in the great outdoors, are two of the greatest motivators to get me into a place of intimacy with my Savior. While enjoying the outdoors wasn't necessarily an option at that time, I could fill my home with music and phrases like, "You are my all in all" and "Nothing compares to the promise I have in You" and "You give the healing and grace our hearts always hunger for". The DVD had images of bubbles, flowers, shapes and children playing that seemed to captivate my own children as the music nourished my spirit. I could start playing the DVD in the wee hours of the morning and play it until I fell into bed at night and never tire of the songs, nor the way God used them to minister to my heart. Who would have thought?

That season of mommy-hood has passed, as have several others. Though I feel sad that the baby stage passed so quickly (looking back it feels like a big blur of activity), I also look forward to the many that have yet to come... I think. In the meantime, I'm thoroughly enjoying where my kids are at and am grateful that they now gladly listen to and join in my worship songs!!

Our Week

We've been adjusting to our new schedule that will carry us through the school year. Some of us are adjusting better than others, but we're making it through. All 6 of us were there for Ky's first day of kindergarten, and I spent the day weeping at any reminder of my little girl - her empty booster seat in the van, her baby doll lying on the couch, her flip flops lying by the door that were abandoned as she made the decision to wear another pair of shoes, her cinderella toothbrush lying beside the sink, her pink bedroom with the flowered bedspread she had worked hard to make that morning...

Memories of her flooded my mind all day long - the moment we learned I was pregnant with her, the day we learned we were going to have a daughter, the day we were able to meet her face to face, bringing her home for the first time, first teeth, first words, first steps, the messes she made, the fits she threw, the fights she would put up at bedtime that made me cry nearly every night, feeling that we would never channel that strong will of hers, the way she loved meeting her brothers and bringing them home and caring for them, her curly red pigtails and big blue eyes, the way she mastered the "big potty" at barely 2 years old, her low gravely giggles, the way she loved to cuddle on the couch and stroke my cheek... I could continue forever. It is the ending of a season in my life and I will miss it!

However, the boys and I have been making the most of our time together during the day, and I'm all the more cognizant of making my moments with them count. I understand more fully how quickly it goes!

Some "Super Heroes" have taken up permanent residence in my home!
I feel quite safe as they are always protecting and rescuing me!



Kylee has started gymnastics and absolutely loves it!
She practices every day at home and has taken it quite seriously!



Colson and Kaden were so excited to pick up their Cubbies supplies at church and start learning their verses! They have memorized their first 3 and love looking through their books and wearing their vests every single day. I love to see their excitement!


On Friday, my friend, Amy, and I made a split second decision to run up to Cedarburg, WI to the McCain/Palin rally. It was really exciting to be there, but it would have been ever better had we been able to see the candidates. :O) They planned for 10,000... 30,000 people showed up! However, we made the most of the experience with all 4 of our boys in tow and were grateful we had such a fun adventure and made crazy memories!




I brought my blond haired, blue eyed little boys, and returned home with these 2!!

And here is Isaac (Amy's son), Kaden and... "John McCain" posing between 2 cows at our lunch stop.

After an emotional week for me, and a really busy work week for Jim, he hired a babysitter and whisked me away for dinner and miniature golf. We had so much fun together! I love the man I married!

Dear Kylee

Today is the eve of your first day of kindergarten. It is, amazingly so, the one year anniversary of the day you prayed and asked Jesus to be your Savior. Oh, dear Ky, what a year it has been! I have had the incredible opportunity as your mommy to watch as your faith has grown. It has been so exciting to witness the Spirit's work in your life as you act out your faith in the world and in loving the people around you. You, precious one, have been blessed with such a caring and compassionate heart that, no doubt, will continue to lead you into action all the days of your life.

Already, I have seen that compassionate heart of yours filled with concern for those in your school, neighborhood and family that don't know Jesus and the hope He offers us; I have followed you to the Rescue Mission where you desired to serve the poor and homeless - and you lit up their world while you were there; I have witnessed your real desire to help poor and orphaned children in the world, heard your prayers for them, and have been able to help you pack up boxes of gifts to send their way; I have had the opportunity to drive you to nursing homes and to our church because you strongly desired to go and serve; and I have seen the tears form in your eyes when you witness a sick, markedly aged, or hurting individual in our community. I have also been blessed by the way you have completely embraced foster care and especially the little baby boy in our home, loving him so fervently. And I know how much it has bothered you that although you're filled with God's Spirit, you sometimes can still do "naughty things." All this, and yet you are only 5. Kylee, I am so proud of you.

Even though I've seen your maturity over the year, the fact that you're starting kindergarten makes me more aware of the passing time. I cannot believe that 5 years have passed so quickly! My baby girl is growing up and launching her reluctant mommy into a new stage of parenthood. If I'm honest, I am having a hard time letting you go... I know, this is only kindergarten we're talking about, but it feels like a major mark in your life. I am doing my best to stay positive, smile and encourage you as you take this big step, though doing so conflicts significantly with what I feel inside. It's hard to help you to grow up when I want, so badly, to keep you small. But as I've told you many times before, "it's not always easy to do what is right."

As much as I value education, and am excited for you to start the school year and learn new things, I rest assured that the most important things in life you have already learned - to love God with all your heart and soul and mind and to love and serve others. You know this in such a pure and innocent way, a way I can only hope to emulate. Bringing joy to the Father's heart, as you have, is the greatest thing you can do with your life!

I love you so much, baby girl! And I can't tell you enough how much I LOVE being your mommy. I'm so excited for another year to see how God uses you to light His world.

forever,
your mommy