grief

"As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you." Isaiah 66:13

Over the month of April as we prepared for court for our Tiny girl, we started talking more to our kids about her departure. I will be honest and say, it has not been pretty. They ask lots of questions, we provide the best answers we can. They cry, we hold them and wipe their tears. They become clingy and question their security, we comfort them and tell them constantly of their worth and remind them that God gave them to us as our "forever children" that no one can take away. They have nightmares, we crawl into bed and hold them tightly and pray their fears away. They wet the bed out of the blue, we tell them it's OK - they are hurting and it's normal for kids who are hurting in their hearts to do such things. There have been some days that have been hard, heavy and full of tears.

As a parent, you desperately want to protect your children from all pain and suffering, right? So at this point of foster care, when we are being forced to let go against our will to a child who has been our daughter and baby sister for so long and our children start to exhibit signs of grief, I start to doubt. How can I put my kids through this? But my doubts are not able to remain for long, because I have a household of individuals fully committed to this cause, despite the pain.


One morning, Ky asked me how many more days we'd have our girl. My answer was 21-28 days, approximately. "Oh, mama, I think I'm gonna have a heart attack!" Trying to keep the conversation fairly light as the kids were just about to leave for school, I answered, "well, I can't lose both of you, so maybe we'll just take a break from foster care for a bit!"

Kaden overheard and nearly yelled, "No, mom! We can't do that! When we love them, it's like we're loving God and we have to! We have to have courage! We have to do the right thing even when it's hard!" Kylee agreed and I hugged them both tightly as tears filled my eyes. Quite a perspective from a 6 year old boy.

Another day, Colson was singing the beautiful song Never Let Go, by Matt Redmond. He sang the chorus loudly:

"Oh, no, You never let go, through the calm and through the storm!
Oh, no, You never let go, every high and every low.
Oh, no, You never let go, You never let go of me!"

He then turned to me and said, "Mom, that song reminds me of Tiny. Whenever I sing the part about the storm, I think of having to say good bye to her." His voice cracked and so I held him tightly and reminded him of the other words in the song - that God would never let go of Tiny and never let go of him either. "I know. I love foster care, I just don't love good byes."

Many people may disagree that what we are doing is in the best interest of our own kids... in fact, I have been told so to my face. For that very reason, I usually don't like to share the details of the grief experienced by my kids. But I chose to today, for I believe that there is a point (or a few) to be made... and maybe, just maybe, I need to be reminded of these points myself in the days to come! :)

1. We are Christians. Christ has called us to love beyond ourselves - to lay down our lives for the benefit of others. He has done this for us and has asked that as his followers, we do so for others. It certainly isn't easy, and it's not always pretty, but it is our God-given purpose. It certainly is an idea far beyond cultural norms, where focus is always on self... but we believe in the Bible with all our hearts and desire that our kids will learn to put God first in all things.

2. God has said in His word that we will have many troubles in this world - we should expect them. He also said to rejoice in suffering as we share in the sufferings of Christ. Suffering isn't something that we should strive to avoid at all costs, but willingly accept as His will. Incredible growth happens as we suffer. We cling tightly to Him who promises never to leave nor forsake us; to carry us throughout all the days of our lives; to turn our anguish into joy; to wipe our tears from our eyes. One day, He will overcome this world with it's troubles. We can not only experience His comfort in these days, but wait with expectation and excitement for His return when all things will be made right and no suffering will ever be endured again! Oh, what hope!!

3. We desire that our kids will learn that God is worthy of every sacrifice and every scar we may receive in this life. He has first laid down His life on our behalf and we are to live lives worthy of Him, with His help.

4. Our children get to learn about the character of God and the promises of God in ways they never would if we protected them from all suffering. How much more meaning does such a promise hold in the midst of heartache? "Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." Isaiah 46:4

5. Our kids do suffer, but it is within a secure and stable environment with parents totally committed to helping them through the process. Though we are so imperfect in so many ways, we are devoted to them in love and will provide comfort and reassurance and do our best to meet their needs along the way. I cannot fairly say that their suffering is worth comparing to that of the kids who come into care - abandoned, beaten and neglected, children who have not known even a single day of security, stability, healthy love or comfort. Do we turn our backs on such devastating needs to protect our own children from experiencing the pain of letting go? We believe not.

(OK, I can hear Colson scolding me because I said "a few" points and this is going way beyond "a few", which he insists is only 3.... but bear with me, I'm almost done!)

6. God has called us to care for the fatherless, amongst many other human conditions and needs. What a delight it is to the kids to have an opportunity to walk in obedience and to be a part of God's plan as they so desperately love on these little ones!

7. "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven." (Matt. 6:19-20) We hope and we pray fervently that our kids will develop hearts for those things that hold eternal value - empathy, compassion, service, humility.

And that is why we do what we do. That is why we willingly allow our kids to "suffer" even as it breaks our hearts. They suffer with an eternal purpose, sometimes putting a child's heart breaking needs above their own, for a God who loves them in a desperate way!!