hospital halls

As I was pushing a big stroller full of 2 beautiful little girls through the hospital halls today, the smells started to stir within me emotional memories. By the time we reached the elevator and could see the city skyline of Milwaukee out the picture window, more memories overwhelmed me and I actually had little pools form in my eyes, right there alongside several other people who were also traveling to and from appointments.


Though today was just a routine rheumatology appointment for me, my other experiences at this same location over the years have often held much more meaning and value and, sometimes, great life change. Excuse me while I take a walk down memory lane...

Seven years ago, my husband, 18 month old daughter and I had moved across the country, leaving our beautiful West Coast and all our family for a job in the Midwest. My belly was swollen with 2 baby boys who were due in 4 months time, but whose little lives had been monitored ever so closely because of a size discrepancy and uneven distribution of blood flow through their shared placenta. Two weeks after our move, we had to get out of our tight corporate quarters in down town Milwaukee and took a drive down towards Chicago. I started feeling a little crampy on our way down and made sure to stay well hydrated. We enjoyed our time in the Chicago area, despite those cramps, but as we started to return home in the evening, the cramping got more severe. My obstetric office in Oregon had transferred my care to a specialist in WI, and though I had an appointment scheduled in a couple days, I had yet to see him. We called the office, talked to an MD on call and were told to go the hospital... "OK, which one do we go to?" He was a bit impatient as he answered me, but grew all the more agitated when I asked, "And where exactly is that?" Well, the hospital is HUGE - a small city, really - that probably most people in the Midwest know of... unless, of course, you're brand new to the area. "Just call them!" He was frustrated and hung up. With tears pouring down my cheeks while I breathed through contractions and my husband sped up the freeway, I called 4-1-1 and got the number for the huge hospital, whose operator guided us to their location. At just 26 weeks along, I was whisked down the hospital hallways in record speed and IV's were started immediately to stop the contractions. I was admitted and monitored and it got very late. I sent a very hesitant Jim and our toddler "home" to our hotel room so she could have a good night sleep. We knew not a single soul yet whom we could call for support, and it was a long, lonely, frightful night in that dark hospital room overlooking the Milwaukee city skyline. Please, Lord, help me know that you are here.


A few days after being discharged, I was walking those hallways once again to my first doctor's appointment with the new specialist. Kylee sat beside me in her stroller playing with farm animals as they did an ultrasound on the boys. It wasn't good news - growth had slowed significantly on my little Kaden. I was counseled on all the potential risks of delivering them prematurely to save his life. I was to come back in 2 days time for another measurement, but was told to be very aware of Kaden's movement in the meantime, just in case he stopped. That is a very hard thing to do when 1) you're running after a toddler and 2) there is another active baby boy sharing the uterus. Again, I walked in tears down those hospital halls. Please, Lord, do not take my Kaden.

Each and every one of my appointments (3 a week) brought with it a sense of anxiety as they continuously measured the boys growth and activity. I wondered each time if it would be the day... but each time they said, "we'll see you in 2 more days." On one particular appointment on the 20th of December, my husband had just returned from his first business trip with the new company and was able to join me. Additionally, my parents had just flown into town for a visit and were able to stay with our Kylee girl. Little did we know that this was THE DAY. I had made it to 36 weeks along and Kaden was done growing at 4 pounds, so we were escorted to labor and delivery, strapped to monitors and scheduled for a C-section. Out my boys came and after some quick kisses, they were whisked away somewhere down those hospital halls. Lord, please help them to be all right.

Because we had made it so far along in the pregnancy after many early scares, I did not anticipate complications. So, I was a bit surprised in the next several days that they were unable to maintain their temperature, oxygen levels and needed bili lights, IV's and even feeding tubes. The poor boys were even having a hard time gaining weight. It was so very hard to leave them every night in the hospital in their "pod" overlooking the city skyline. I remember so many days and evenings spent holding them looking out that window, praying for their health and ability to bring them home and have our family united. It only took 10 days, but it felt like forever. That day, December 30th - was such a day of rejoicing as we walked down those hospital halls with our baby boys carried in our arms. Thank you, Lord, for protecting my boys and bringing them home!!

Years later, I walked down those halls with eager anticipation as a dear friend delivered a precious baby boy. A little while later, another friend welcomed beautiful twin girls that I was honored to hold and adore. Excitement and rejoicing. Thank you, Father, for the miracle of life!!

Another time I walked those halls to stand beside some friends whose baby boy passed away just an hour and a half after he'd been born. As I held his lifeless body, heaviness, sorrow and heartache filled the room. Oh, dear God, I cannot imagine. Please comfort this heart broken family!

There were scary days in those halls of tests and appointments trying to find the source of severe head aches, abnormal lab values and illnesses. MRI's, Ultrasounds, CT's, lab work, EEG's - each test bringing with it that awful "what if" question and anxious fears ... Help me trust You, Lord, no matter what.

There were days when I worked in those same hospital halls, caring for patients dealing with the reality of illness, disease, trauma and surgery. I remember late nights reading Psalms to a patient, or holding their hand to pray after receiving a devastating diagnosis or before going into surgery. Dear God, help me to be a source of joy and hope in their lives... help me point them to the truth.

I remember days when my husband and kids would come walking down those hospital halls to meet me for lunch or dinner while I was working the weekend. Their smiles and squeals of delight upon seeing me (whom they called Dr. Nurse Terra) made me feel like the most blessed woman on the planet. Thank you, Father, for the gift of my precious family!

Another time I reluctantly limped down the hospital halls to establish care with a new rheumatologist, after believing my debilitating arthritic disease was a thing of the past. Ten years of complete remission, yet here I was - new meds, lab work, cortisone shots, the whole bit. It was humbling for me to have my family see me in such a state. Lord, help me to make less of me and more of You. I know that you have much to teach me at this time.

And I cannot fail to mention the time my kids accompanied me on one of my trips to have a cortisone injection in my knee. I was to be escorted out in a wheelchair to avoid weight bearing... let's just say that with my kids driving, there are a few more dents and marks in those stark hospital walls. Thank you, Lord, that I wasn't killed in the process! :)

Then there was the day when the boys and I were escorted through "secret hospital hallways" to pick up a darling baby girl, neglected and malnourished and in need of love and protection. I will NEVER forget that feeling when she was first placed in my arms and I gazed at her sweet little face then held her ever so tightly to my chest. Oh God, my heart breaks for what she has endured. Thank you for allowing us to be the family to show her what love feels like.

Another day and another call, another sweet baby girl in desperate need of a family to love her. The day before she came home, I walked down those hospital halls to meet my newest little blessing. I sat for hours holding her trembling little body in my arms, never wanting to let go. Anger was mixed with sorrow. Dear Jesus, it's not fair that she has to suffer! Please heal her quickly and allow for our family to meet her every need.

Hospital halls... I never would have guessed how many spectacular, frustrating and heart breaking, life changing moments were to be lived within them!!

(And this didn't even include my nephew's battle with leukemia or my own marriage proposal which both happened within different hospital halls!)