here we go again

As I pulled out of our long driveway onto icy, snow covered streets, I stopped at the mailbox to grab the day's mail. My glove laden fingers fumbled their way around the mass amounts of mail and I pulled out a handful, hoping for something good, something personal. Amongst the handful was a large manilla envelope from the county. Hmmm, I thought, probably something else regarding baby A. We have yet to be removed from the mailing list from all county and court documents regarding him, but I didn't mind. I enjoy knowing about important dates that pertain to him - it makes me feel somehow connected. I threw the mail in the passenger seat and continued on my way to retrieve my daughter from school.

As I waited in line at the parent pick up and the boys chit chattered away in the back ground, I grabbed the envelope and tore it open, curiosity abounding. And there, in bold, capital letters scrolled across of the top page of the pile, were words that momentarily froze my heart: "FOSTER CARE LICENSE RENEWEL". I remember so clearly when we received our first license application 2 years prior. We were eager and full of excitement. Our heads were full of idealistic opportunities - taking in little ones, loving them to pieces and helping them to gain better lives and better futures. We couldn't wait to get started!! But now, with experience under my belt, and a heart still healing from loving and losing a boy we adored, my heart suddenly felt heavy. Visions of our time with our little man danced in my head, making my heart ache and tears fall. Oh Lord, can we do this all over again?? You know how weak we are and how badly we have hurt, would you have us venture down this path again?




Oh how I longed for a loud, clear audible voice at that moment. A "Yes, go forth and continue loving and serving in this way!" or a "No, rest, continue to abide in Me and I will guide you to something else." In all my selfish humanity, the latter answer would bring comfort, hoping that the next thing He had for us wouldn't hurt quite so much, wouldn't cost quite so much. But I heard no voice and I felt no sudden clarity. So I put the envelope aside, picked up my girl, and continued on with our day. However, I could not forget that packet no matter how hard I tried to make it disappear, therefore removing the decision that had to be made.

During the next week, as Jim and I talked and prayed about our decision, God started to reveal His will to me. Though I often felt discouraged thinking, "Did we make any difference at all in the future of this little boy's life?" God gently encouraged me with Matthew 25:40, "Whatever you have done for the least of these, you have done for me." And in my study of the book of John, came the discussion of dying to self in order to produce fruit and serve Him; dying to self in order to love others; humbling one's self ambitions and sacrificing one's pride and one's emotions in order to benefit His kingdom and bring Him glory.

Why is it that I am tempted to love others in ways that feel safe and easy? Or only want to give of myself when I don't have to risk too much, or when I can see the reward in the end? I am ever so grateful that Jesus loved beyond that. He loved the loveless, the needy, the hurting, the poor, the despised, the sick. He wasn't afraid to get dirty and love in ways that went against the cultural norms. And that's how he asks us to love. It may not be easy - look where it lead Jesus - but it should be a defining characteristic of those who follow Him. (John 13:34-35) It should be a defining characteristic of me.

So, with such reassurance and comfort for our healing hearts, we filled out the license renewal packet. We are certainly not strong and capable - we are completely inadequate if it were not for His work in our lives. But, He reminds us, there are so many who need to be loved.