press on

I sat in the church pew, a filled communion cup clutched in my hand.  Though the morning had been full of wiggles and whispers from my children beside me, at this time they were quiet and still.  I stared at the small cup intently, reflecting on it's purpose.

Bloodshed, suffering, pain.

He so loved, that He gave His life.

I remembered the grotesque descriptions of the suffering He endured and the instruction, "take up your cross and follow Me."

In the moment I remained in quite an emotional state, where tears came easily and there was an ever present aching in my heart.  The shock of the day that B was removed from our home lingered, and her absence was felt deeply.  It hurt and the tears stung.  But, I remembered...

If I am to take up a cross in following Him, then pain and suffering should be expected.  I know this, but it's hard to live it.  While we desire to "pour ourselves out" and "die to self" while following His lead and loving His children, sometimes it's ugly and uncomfortable and messy and painful. And because of that, it's easier to want to walk away and shield our hearts than to press on.  I have struggled with this quite a bit in the past week.

What have we done to our family, our kids, our poor B?

What scars will remain from the trauma, confusion and pain of that day?

What if it were to happen again with sweet, little J?  Could our hearts bear it?


Yet, as I reflected upon Christ's suffering on my behalf, I felt a renewed resolve to persevere.  We have been entrusted with so many who need to be loved passionately.  I don't want to hold back for fear of pain, of loss, of heart ache.  There is so much beauty and purpose to be experienced in walking in obedience and I don't want to miss it, even if it hurts and costs and leads us to frightening places.

So, as we continue our journey into the future, I will reflect on His instructions to "take up my cross and follow" and "lay down my life to find it"... if this is what He asks of me, then I need to be prepared for some pain on the adventure that will bring me, ultimately, face to face with my Savior.

He gave His life for me, I want to live for Him.

We will love, because He loved us first.

We will grow weak and weary, but He will strengthen us.

So, we press on.