Today, we brought our baby home to his mama.
If grief has a sound, I heard it today, as I held my girl and tried to soothe her inconsolable sobs. She wailed and moaned as she grieved the loss of a little brother she has loved and adored for the past 18 months. I believe it had to be one of the most heart wrenching moments I've experienced and I wanted, more than anything, to take her pain away. I couldn't. So I held her, I rocked her, I stroked her hair, I cried and I listened to her uninhibited grief.
If grief has a face, I saw it today. As I forced my feet to walk to the front door of A's home, I looked back and there was my husband - the man I adore, love, respect and depend upon - carrying "our" boy in his big, strong arms. Though I could see him struggling to hold in his emotion, I knew the pained look in his eyes and saw the tears rolling down his cheeks. I wanted words to ease the hurt, to make this moment go away. But there were no words. There was nothing I could do to alleviate the grief that consumed his face.
Instead, we locked our reddened, watery eyes on one another and determined, without words, to complete this impossible task together. Though we didn't want to, and though doing so left us unable to catch our next breath as we drove away, we did it. And just as we've done it the past 18 months as we've cared for this boy, we did it together... as a couple, as a family.
But today, we don't feel victory. We don't feel accomplishment. We feel loss... a void... a huge, gaping hole. My hands no longer have diapers to change, a little mouth to spoon feed, a sippy cup to fill, a car seat to latch or a diaper bag to ready. I see other moms carrying little ones on their hips and it reminds me all the more that the little one I have carried in my arms or on my hip for so long is now gone. Our home still contains laughter and joy, of course, but it is missing one sweet, little, happy voice.
Though I know God will bring us healing and comfort, today we hurt; though I know He will renew, restore and rebuild us, today we feel broken; and though I know He will once again fill us to overflowing, today our arms feel empty.
4 comments:
I am praying for you through tears. May the Lord bring you an extra measure of comfort today and for as many days as you need it. If it were not for families like yours my two children would not be the kids they are today. I appreciate and love what you have done for A these past 18 months.
Terra, Jim, & family, we are praying for you during this time of grief and emptiness! I cried as I read your post...my heart hurts for you all. I pray that God will continue to bless little A's life and bring comfort and healing to you family. We love you guys!
That little boy will be blessed because of the love you shared with him this past 18 months. God bless your family for showing him the love of Christ.
Oh I'm so so so sorry for your hurt. I'm sorrowed with you. I pray that little A will always remember you and the love of the Lord that you gave him. God bless you for all you've done.
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