You see, 9 months ago, we received a sickly baby girl that we fell madly in love with. Despite rumors that she would leave us one day, I held on to hope that she wouldn't. Upon hearing there was a sibling far away that she would be joined with, I somehow determined that this couldn't possibly be in the "best interest" of the child that I had mothered. 'Surely, Lord, you must have another plan!' I thought. Of course, I hoped that His "other plan" would include me.
So slowly that I didn't even see it happening, bitter and selfish pride began to settle into my heart and make itself quite comfortable. I have mothered this child and loved her as my own - wiped her tears, treated her infections, comforted her cries, sung her lullabies - I love her like no one else can, surely it is best that she remains with me! Unintentionally, I'm afraid I even started to make the other family the "bad guy", whom, I was sure, desired to rip this precious baby girl from my arms (with an evil cackle most likely!). Though I was told that the law requires siblings to be together, I wanted to do my own research on such "laws" and make sure there was no loop hole about the bond with the foster family that they hadn't told me about (there isn't, by the way). I had my boxing gloves on and I was ready to fight for this girl that I so desperately love.
I slipped into a dangerous place of thought. It was as though my plans were better than His; as though I could control the circumstances in such a way that would make me happy; as though I could create security for the future and stability for my emotions in a messy, broken system; as though God would finally hear enough of my crying, pick me up from the puddle of my own tears, see my pouty lip and sorrowful eyes and change His mind.
Apparently, I have forgotten in Whom I trust. He is Sovereign. He is in control of all things. His ways are higher than mine. It is He who created the passion in my heart to care for orphans, not so that I could do with it as I please, but so that I could serve, follow and trust in Him. I am simply His instrument to carry out His will, no matter what it is. I deserve nothing, not even the precious baby girl that I love to pieces and have been blessed to mother for the past several months. Could I possibly forget that He loves Tiny more than I could ever imagine and has a plan that is perfect for her life? How prideful of me to believe that I could be better for Tiny than the plan of her perfect Maker.
God has been so gracious to me in exposing my heart. He has gently reminded me that this is not about me; that though I may not understand what He is doing, I am to follow Him; that 'dying to self' is not insisting stubbornly on my own way; that I can trust Him completely with 'my' Tiny, His Tiny. I have hung up my boxing gloves and resigned my will to follow His.
It will hurt.
We will grieve.
But we will follow, and fall into His mighty arms for the comfort we will so desperately need.
My precious Tiny girl, I will love you forever, but you are not mine to keep.
One thing is for sure, you are going to make your new family deliriously joyful.
As you have ours.
As you have ours.
2 comments:
Bless you, Territa. I used to think when i hit 30 years old, I'd be so mature. I'd have learned how to be an adult and would be so together. And the older I get, the more I see I need to learn. We are all a work in progress.
God bless you and comfort you in the coming weeks.
Beautiful post, Tee.
Love you,
Mom
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