How are you, sweet boy? Are you having fun, learning much and feeling safe and secure in your new environment? I pray that this is true in your young, little life. I think of you so often.
I wanted to take a moment to let you know how badly I miss you... how, after so many months of being your mama, it is hard for me to no longer be your mama and care for you as I used to. We still do many of the things we used to do with you, and I notice your absence every time. When other mommy's tell stories of their little babies I listen quietly and often tears will fill my eyes as I remember "my" last little baby. How hard it has been to not have the chance to keep you with me, A. I love you so very much.
I thought the hardest part of good bye would be handing you over to your mom and driving away. And though that was excruciating, there remains so much more for me to work through. Thanksgiving was a time to celebrate with friends and give thanks to God for His wondrous gifts. I have to say, I struggled a bit this year, as I continue to hurt over the loss of you. Decorating our home for Christmas brought so many memories of you, especially when your little blue penguin stocking came out with the others. It was a reminder, first, of your presence in our lives, but then, sadly, your absence. We feel it strongly, every single day.
I spoke with a dear friend today who told me that there will be a day when the weight of this grief will no longer feel so heavy; when I will no longer feel the tendency to withdraw in groups; and I will no longer have sudden emotions overtake me in an unexpected moment. I look forward to that day. Until then, I will allow myself to hurt. But always, I will love you. Thank you for being such a ray of sunshine in our lives for so many, many months.
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