peace

On the morning of December 20th, I awoke in a dizzying mess of emotions. For one, it was a day of celebration. My precious boys, who were at one time "not supposed to make it" were celebrating 6 years of vibrant living. That fact will always fill me with joy and gratitude. On the other hand, it was also the day that I was to bundle up my baby girl and deliver her to her new home for a Christmas vacation visit. Nearly 11 months of being her mommy, and I was supposed to hand her off to another mommy.

After some celebrating of the boys in the morning, I readied our girl and tried to prepare her for the big change that lie ahead. There is just no way you can. I buckled her tightly into her car seat and Kylee (who insisted on coming along) reached out and took a hold of Tiny's little hand next to her. "Are you ready to go, sweet pea?" Ky asked her in a sing song voice. My throat felt thick with emotion... here sat the best sister that Tiny could imagine, loving her so completely. This is what she would be torn away from - the sister she knows and adores - because she must be joined with a sister that shares her bloodlines.

I swallowed hard and climbed into the front seat, looking Jim in the eye. "I don't know if I can do this!" I stammered. As we drove the 40 minutes to Tiny's "new" home, I started reflecting on the past 10 3/4 months that she had been with us... from the tiny sickly baby, to the first coo, first tooth, first food, first step... so much life had been lived and we loved every moment we had with her. I just loved being her mommy. Though I had previously done away with doubting God's plan for her life, I started to be tormented by such doubts. Then came the tears and the sobs and the deep, palpable sorrow. And for awhile, I allowed myself to feel the pain. But as we drew near to the home, I dried my eyes, took a deep breath and prayed for strength.

As He always does, God gave me exactly what I needed to get through that hour... as well as the next 2 weeks without our Tiny girl. A picture... two sweet little sisters, sitting side by side with their same little pigeon toed feet curled under their tooshies, reading books together.



Something about it felt right and good and wonderful. This is why the system wanted her with her sister - they belonged together. I felt such peace and a warmth filled my heart where dark doubts had been seeping in just moments before. Even as we left the home empty handed, Kylee reached for my hand and softly said, "See, Mommy? God does have a perfect plan for her little life!" She felt it too.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11