that day

There is a day I am dreading. Some days go by and I rarely think of that day, but most days tears spring easily into my eyes at the thought of it. Today is one of those tearful days...

Two months ago, I eagerly drove to the hospital with my boys to pick up a beautiful baby girl whose needs had been unmet for the first couple weeks of her life. The hands that were meant to cuddle, nurture, comfort, soothe and protect her neglected to do so. After some time recovering in the hospital, she was coming home with me to continue her healing. As soon as I held her in my arms, my heart became hers. I ached for the times that her cries were unanswered, her needs were unmet and her tummy went hungry. I couldn't wait to be her mommy and show her just how loved and adored she was. The whole family was on board and we took to her instantly, passionately devoting ourselves to her well being. She didn't share our name, but she was ours.

There was a time, brief as it may have been, when the idea of her becoming our child forever was mentioned. We rejoiced and I went immediately into futuristic mode - What will we name her? How will we rearrange bedrooms? And on and on it went. Then, there was a phone call that informed us of a sibling, already in the process of being adopted by a family. When all legal issues were worked out, they would want our baby to join her sibling in a forever family. No matter how much we loved, adored, provided for or wanted her for life, bloodlines hold utmost importance in such circumstances and the opportunity to call her our daughter forever vanished. We were heartbroken.

Since that time, I have tried to put myself in the other mom's shoes - who is, by the way, so eager to meet this new little one. I've taken notes, captured photos, collected mementos to share with her ... all the while loving Tiny as though she were my own. I have rocked her to sleep with tears rolling freely down my face - both loving the tender moment with my girl and dying at the thought of my hands having to release her one day.

Because, truth is, that will be a momentous day for two moms. One, rejoicing, the other broken hearted. One celebrating, one grieving. One gaining, one losing. One seeing hopes and dreams fulfilled and prayers answered, the other placing a child that holds her heart in another mom's arms, and laying her hopes of the child becoming her own to rest. One beginning a new journey of getting to know her little girl, the other ending a journey of being "mom" to a precious little one.

And that day is a day I dread.