Homesick

I have made it known to many that a continual struggle for me is living far from all family. I grew up with the idea that I'd raise a family with grandmas and grandpas, aunts, uncles close by and cousins around for my kids. I looked forward to seeing those relationships develop and having a mom to call for advice or help on a "bad day". But, as usual, God's sovereign plan for our family was not what I had invisioned. Just 3 months before my boys were born God made it clear to both Jim and I that a move to Milwaukee, WI was what He had for us at that time. I'd hoped it was temporary fix, but went willingly with great expectation.

Since our move to WI, God has been faithful to provide many wonderful friends and a home church that has been warm and accepting and has given us many opportunties to serve. However, there have been many days when my strong desire to have family near has taken it's toll on me emotionally. For example, when the boys were just 6 weeks and Kylee not yet 2 they all had colds and I couldn't keep up with all their needs. I think I cried as much as they did that day. And a few months after that I had a high fever and spots on my throat and had to drag all 3 kids with me to a new doctor to get treated for strept throat. I wanted so badly to have a mommy to call to help with the kids so I could rest. Another hard day was when we dedicated our children to the Lord at church and the pastor asked all family to stand and show their support. I had to look away as tears welled up in my eyes. There was no one to stand with us and show their support.

And then there are other reasons to be back "home" in Oregon. February 7, 2006 my 4 year old nephew Connor was diagnosed with leukemia. I wanted to be there. February 13, 2006 my sister Sheila and husband, Paul, found out that their baby had passed away nearly halfway through the pregnancy. I wanted to be there. August 17, 2006 the family rejoiced as Hailey Ann, my first neice, was brought into the world. I wanted to be there. And at the end of that same August my unwed baby sister announced that she was pregnant, and the father was a man she'd known but a few weeks. I wanted to be with family as we struggled through our emotions towards this announcement.

Sometimes I can start to feel sorry for myself, or for my kids who have an awesome family that they just don't get to see as often as we'd like. I have friends who have the privilege of having parents babysit for date nights, errand running, or appointment making and I wish that I could have that. I see children who know their grandparents so well and get to be actively involved in their life on a regular basis and wish my kids had that opportunity. I have days when I feel so burnt out as a mom and want a break. But, then, God is so merciful and gentle with me as He makes it clear that what He brings about in my life is for a purpose. What He allows or does not allow in my life is not outside His will for me. He is not concerned with making me happy and comfortable in my life here on earth. His desire is to make me holy - more in His likeness and image. And nothing I've experienced in this life grows me more in my faith than realizing my desperate need for God. As I sometimes battle through feelings of loneliness, my heart is constantly reminded that God is more than enough to meet my every need and every cry. One of my favorite songs since being out here in WI, and one that my heart will forever sing, has this chorus:

"All of You, is more than enough for all of me;
For every thirst and every need;
You satisfy me with Your love,
And all I have in You is more than enough."