Roller Coaster Ride

I never imagined that foster care would be easy, but some things you just can't prepare for. Yesterday I sat in a heated and emotional meeting with our baby's mom and all the staff involved in the case. Even though I've had weekly interactions with her, I felt that this was the first time I saw her in her true light and, unfortunately, it wasn't good. Not only was it extremely uncomfortable, but I felt certain that there was no way we could move forward with visits. I was wrong. I was instructed to bring him to his mom's house today for a 3 hour visit.

When baby awoke this morning I soaked in his smiles longer than usual. I watched as he stretched and yawned and eventually reached his stubby little arms towards me. I dismissed the strong wet diaper smell and held him tightly to me for awhile before changing him. "This is the day, baby boy. You're off to Mommy's house for a couple hours!" I bathed him, dressed him and combed his hair as I've done for the last 6 months, but today felt different. This was the beginning of the end... we were preparing for the good bye to come.

A heaviness settled in my heart as I drove to his mom's home. As he babbled behind me, I battled the heaviness with prayer. We arrived, I carried the baby inside and waved good-bye. As I started down the street, a wave of emotion hit me and I couldn't seem to stop it. Tears poured down my face and my boys tried to comfort me. "Mom, we're not saying good bye to A. today!" Sweet boys. "Oh, sweethearts, I know. It just makes me think of the day when we will need to say good bye to A. and it makes me feel sad." Honestly, I didn't think that starting the process would be this hard. There have been moments of fostering that have left me feeling so overwhelmed that I thought I looked forward to a bit of relief. Instead, I was a sobbing, blubbering, inconsolable mess.

When the baby was returned to my arms, I couldn't put him down. I played with him as long as possible, until he demanded to be put down to rest. It was then I decided to check the messages on the answering machine and found one from his social worker. Upon returning her call, I was informed that new evidence had been presented and we were putting a halt to all in home visits. We could no longer move forward. We will likely have our baby boy for many more months to come. I laughed out loud at the whirlwind of emotions I had felt in the past 24 hours, to which the social worker responded, "Such is life in foster care, huh?"