Fill me

I am exhausted. I typically enjoy journaling about the wonderful days of motherhood here in my blog, but today I feel tired and somewhat empty. I went to write, but didn't know what to write, as I have had a week of "survival days" where we don't necessarily thrive, but just get through each and every day, sometimes barely hanging by a string. I suppose it's alright to journal about those days as well. My husband has been working and traveling so much lately, it's been pouring down rain for days on end, our kitchen is still in the process of being remodeled and we're trying to stay out of the house as much as possible so as not to be in the way. Our half acre lawn is growing like a jungle and I realized how out of shape I am when I ran out in the few moments without rain and tried to mow it. We have a large tree falling over, there are snakes in the yard (one I mowed over!) and a new hornets nest in the gutter. The kids haven't slept well because of the thunderstorms at night, but they're still up at the crack of dawn and with Daddy gone on business trips there's no one to help carry the load. So, I'm tired. Then, I saw one of my favorite verses that I have permanently set on the opening blog page (Ephesians 3:17-19) and I realized something. These past few days I have not been filled with the fullness of life, nor experienced His love for me, nor His great power. I have been failing to spend quality time with Him and rather than being able to experience His love and fullness, I have been trying to depend upon my own frail self to get me through day by day. The results are pitiful. I am tired and cranky (my daughter still so sweetly reminds me of this when I'm in "one of those moods"), I get easily frustrated with the kids, I go through our day just to make it to naps and bedtime rather than living life and taking delight in my kids, and I end the day not feeling like a good mommy.

I do not like feeling this way, nor do I like sharing my bad mommy days with others, but then, at the same time, I am grateful for "these days". I realize, once again, my vast inadequacies and my desparate need for God in my life. I am incapable of being anything worthy of my calling as His child without His amazing and sufficient grace!! I'm reminded too that a quick read in a devotional or short prayers throughout my day are not enough to fill me with His power and His spirit. I daily need to focus on Him, read His word, concentrate on walking in His ways, talk with and learn from Him. He is my God, my creator, and He has so much to offer me. I need to water my roots so they may grow ever deeper and stronger in His amazing, mighty and marvelous love!!

"May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. Then you will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God." Ephesians 3:17-19